I'm In Repair, I'm Not Together But I'm Getting There.

John Mayer-In Repair

Which just about says it all really.

This is the 3rd or 4th time I have written something about the subject of being single over the last couple of months, but each time I do the tone of the piece changes depending on how I feel. I went from being hopeful and optimistic to despairing that I would never find anyone who would understand me as well ever again to pondering just what I was supposed to do with this alien experience*. Now I'm just trying to get back to myself, and according to one of my friends I "seem to be more me" so hopefully it's working.
I'd never been heartbroken before, not really, and I was completely unprepared for just how much it would hurt (seems silly considering its name, but I hadn't really given it much thought). I was totally blind-sided with a kind of grief that I'd never known-I spent 4 days not eating or sleeping much at all and just went a little bit mad for a while. It did, of course, start getting better, but I still failed to see how anyone managed to function normally ever again after the break up of an important relationship, and failed to see how I would ever be OK about it.

We still talked regularly, he and I, still met up from time to time and I had to, on occasion ,stop myself reaching out to touch him as I always had done. Still I thought somewhere in the back of my mind that it would all sort itself out, that it would all come good and we'd start again, although not all of me believed this would happen, and maybe some small part of me, even then, didn't want it to.
I let myself get upset time and again whenever he cancelled a visit to see me for a better offer when I really should have been listening to my friends who kept telling me just to forget all about him and get on with life. But how could I forget him when so many things just kept reminding me of him all the time and life kept finding new and unexpected ways to make me cry all over again? So many things still do remind me of him, but now I refuse to do any more crying-I've done enough. Instead, I'm making new memories over the ones that always make my heart ache a little bit-by myself and with other people I am reclaiming the things we used to do together. I know it won't work completely-my brain is very good at remembering odd things when given a trigger for a very long time-but it will push back the memories of him far enough for me to enjoy the experiences again. Just another reason why I really want to move out of my parent's house-if I live in a place that he has never been to then it will be that much easier to not picture him there with me.

Another thing I was completely unprepared for was how many friends would disappear from my life alongside the one I was losing in him. (We tried to stay friends for a while, but apparently it's just too weird so now even that has lapsed.) Friends I thought would be in my life forever have since just stopped speaking to me. My (then) closest friends and confidants started to become less close even before the break up. I know some of their reasons for this, but it still hurts to think that they felt the need to pick sides of our relationship and that I wasn't the one that they chose. I won't go chasing after them though-if they have decided they don't want me to be in their lives then so be it, even if I do not share their sentiments.

Now we're at the stage where he has moved on and is in another relationship and I am OK with that. 2-3 months ago, the very thought made me sob-to think that he could find happiness with someone that wasn't me, let alone imagining myself getting there too. But getting there I am, and while I don't have anyone specific to move on to in the same way, I have noticed certain changes in myself that tell me I don't mind any more. I've started noticing other guys again, and in some cases had a good, long notice. I've been flirting which has been really rather fun, and it's nice to know my skills aren't too rusty after 6 years of under-use. I've started just enjoying life again, smiling at strangers in the street and laughing until it hurts. It's been a strange and unpleasant journey to this point, but it feels good to be here.

So am I over him? Not completely, no. There's still a part of me that would immediately say yes if he turned around and asked me to come back. But it's a small part, and it's a diminishing one. Am I getting there? Yes, I definitely am. Clichéd though it is, I am finally starting to see THE BREAKUP as less of an ending and more of a new beginning. And while I'm still not great at being single (I think some parts of me will always be happier when I am in a relationship), I'm no longer comparing myself to all the happy couples that I know and feeling sorry that I don't have that any more/jealously wishing they would take their happiness elsewhere. I will get that again, it's fine, and I'll hold on to that for now, thanks. But hey, if anyone knows any nice guys with a heart-melting smile** and a good pair of legs, it won't hurt to send them in my direction, will it? ;)

So yes. Definitely not together yet, but definitely getting there.

-Jenni-


*I've never really been single, not as an adult. I've been in two almost consecutive long-term relationships for the past 6 and a half years so I'm still really un-used to it-I did all my growing up and learning myself whilst being with someone so I have had to re-learn it all now that I am not.
** AC & MF: Oh Shush.