30 Posts of Truth-Part 3

3. Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Most of my exam results from GCSE level upwards. There's always been something I didn't work hard enough for and that's left me with fewer opportunities than I'd like at the next stage, and I've always been quite hard on myself for that. I mean, if I think about it realistically I've done pretty well-I've got 10 GCSEs, 4 A-Levels and (against the odds) a degree with honours, but I still kick myself not working as well as I easily could have. I think it stems from the fact I've never liked not being good at something-the reason I can't drive yet is because I hate having to learn because it doesn't come naturally to me. I was reading a blog the other day and suddenly felt like I had had my brain invaded-hopefully Unsweetened Tea won't mind me quoting from her:

"I never had to try very hard in school and got really excellent grades, and all that I took away from that was that I don’t like failing. So, when I try something new now and am not immediately qualified to do whatever thing professionally, I pretty much lose interest. That’s why I have eight bajillion hobbies that I half-ass."

(From this post)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed to tell people that I got a 2.2, I understand that this isn't an awful mark and I recognise that getting the highest grades isn't the only thing to aim for in life, certainly not at the expense of your health or sanity, but whenever I tell someone there's a little voice in my head that goes "but I could have got a 2.1 if..."

I know that I could have done better if I'd made myself work harder, but then again everyone can do better if they work harder, can't they? I think what I need to remind myself  that no matter how hard I would have worked previously, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I got dumped at the end of the Easter holidays in my 3rd year of uni, and that made everything go to pot. No matter how hard I had worked up to that point, I still would have missed lectures because I couldn't face leaving the house, not been able to revise properly because I was an emotional wreck and completed my most important piece of coursework for my entire degree in only 3 days having avoiding meeting my tutor because I didn't want to tell him I was broken and couldn't do anything all cos of a stupid boy. And maybe all that might have made all the difference between a 2.1 and a 2.2 anyway.

So yeah, I am going to try and cut myself some slack, try and forgive myself for not working as hard as maybe I should have done. I've got a good degree from a good university, and I have my health and happiness back, so that can be no bad thing at all.

-Jenni-

Find all the completed 'Truths' posts here.