Blind-Sided

Right now, internally, I'm having a massive freak out, and thought a good way to deal with this would be to channel it into something productive-hence why I'm furiously scribbling down this blog post instead of going 'AAAAAH' and running about like a crazy person.
I've been thoroughly blind-sided by something from my (fairly) recent past that my brain is currently refusing to process in a manner which is helpful to me. So I'm telling you about it instead.

I was searching through my old emails for specific ones relating to a purchase I made a bit ago so I could look up some information. I typed the name of the shop 'Past Times' into the search bar and when the results came up I just clicked on the first one and scrolled through each email looking for the one I wanted. Clearly my computer was pulling a funny and decided that I needed to be reminded of some 'Past Times' of my own because in the middle of these emails, for no reason I could see, was a somewhat personal email conversation between me and my ex from a couple of years ago. And for some reason, even once I'd registered that what I was reading was definitely not what I was looking for, I carried on and read the whole exchange. Then promptly began freaking out.

In the context of a relationship, they were perfectly normal emails-a little bit of naughty flirting, a few complements and 'I miss you's and lots of 'I love you's. I can totally understand why I chose to keep the emails at the time-I'm a bit of a sentimental bugger and like to keep nice things like that to read from time to time. But in the context of that person being my ex-boyfriend, someone who no longer features in my life in any way, they freaked me the fuck out. Why? Because I'd forgotten that's how we used to be. I'd forgotten that there was ever a time where our relationship was pretty healthy and functioning normally, when we said 'I Love You' and meant it, when we complemented each others and when we just had fun together. It's so easy when you break up with someone to just remember the bad stuff and every time they acted like a dick-you just put all the good stuff to the back of your mind, out of the way so you don't think about them any more. I guess it's a subconscious coping mechanism, an act of self preservation-it's easier to stop being hurt by someone if you think of them as a horrible person, not a wonderful one. And for the most part it's a good tactic because it works-I've moved on from that relationship totally and more importantly put myself back together again. Seeing those emails so unexpectedly was like a slap in the face-an unwanted reminder that what we used to have was a good thing once, that there was a reason I fell for him in the first place, that he's not all bad, that there was a reason that I was so heartbroken when we ended.

So is there a lesson in all of this, now that my heartbeat has returned to normal and I'm no longer screaming inside my skull?
Well I guess I should cut my ex some slack sometimes, because he did love me once (and I, him). Sure, that doesn't change the stuff he did at the end and doesn't mean he wasn't a bit of a dick too, but he wasn't always one. I think that's something important for me to remember. I hope that he and his new girlfriend can be as happy as we were, once.

I've also learned that it's prudent to delete all your old emails from exes straight away, so you don't end up in some awkward slap-you-in-the-face-with-memories situation down the line.
With that, I'm off to Spring clean my inbox once and for all!

-Jenni-