I Think They Call It An Ephiphany

-I would like to apologise for my mini hiatus-last week was my birthday week so I have been somewhat occupied with fun things and awesome people and therefore haven't spent much time on my blog-sorry!-

I've realised something over the last few weeks or so-something that should never have taken me so long to figure out, something that's actually been staring me in the face for nearly a year. There's a reason I'm so appalling at looking for/applying for jobs in Nottingham and that's because I don't want to be here. If I get a full time-or actually even a part time job in Notts then I have something that's keeping me here, an actual physical reason that I have to stay in a city that I no longer love. I've written before about how Nottingham isn't my city any more and that my heart belongs to Sheffield. I thought when I graduated that my restlessness came from having to live with my parents again but I do really think it's because I feel displaced-I'm not living in the place I want to be living in any more and it's slowly suffocating me.

I've never really been able to leave Sheffield behind me, I'm always popping up to visit and staying as long as I can afford to, I'm never happier than that moment when I step out of the train station doors and feel like I'm home again.
It means that I don't really feel like I'm actually living unless I'm there, a lot of the time I just feel like I'm marking time between my visits. My life is streaming past me and I'm content to just waste it with inactivity, my brain is stagnating and withering and I'm letting it-because I can't bring myself to care, force myself to reform attachments to the city that I have to live in because I've always lived in it. I feel like I'm having an illicit affair-I pine for Sheffield and Nottingham doesn't stand a chance of winning back my affections because it's just not the place I'm in love with, not any more.
I don't want to get a job here because then I would be stuck here for good and my other city would only become a dream, a fantasy. And I can't, I don't want that. I feel like I've just put my life on hold since coming home-I don't really do any of the things I love any more. I'm not involved with any performing arts groups-no singing, no acting, and I really miss being on a stage. But the only groups I want to audition for are in my City of Steel and there's nothing similar close by to me here, even if I did want to join.

I'm just stuck in this kind of apathy and although I am angry at myself for my inactivity I'm not angry enough to do anything about it-I'm too geographically misplaced. For my own sake and my sanity I need to go back so that I can start living again. I want to live as an independent adult rather than feeling like a teenager in my parents house, I want to constantly complain about how steep the hills are but know that they're my hills to complain about and love them for it. I want to live in one of the areas I love, shop in its shops and never need to venture too far away because it has everything I need. I want to hang out in beautiful parks and old fashioned pubs, to audition for too many shows, to go into sandwich shops and confuse them by asking for a 'cob' and to know that my heart is home and be happy again.

I'm sorry Nottingham, it's not you it's me, but I'm breaking up with you. My heart belongs to another and I need to go back home.

-Jenni-