30 Posts Of Truth-Part 6

-I'm still performing in Brighton so this post has been pre-scheduled-

6. Something You Hope Never To Do

Honestly, I meant it when I said it, I never want to have kids. People never seem to tire of pointing out to me that I'm ONLY 22, that one day my hormones will kick in and I'll feel all broody and that this is pretty much an inevitable part of being a woman, and I'm pretty sick of hearing it all to be honest.
So what if I am only in my twenties-I still know my own heart, my own mind, my own body-and none of these things are telling me that I want to procreate-in fact they're saying the opposite. A large part of me doesn't really understand the desire so many people have to have children, and I'm not sure I ever will. OK, so perhaps one day I will come over all hormonal and start cooing over babies whenever I see one until I feel like my ovaries are about to explode with longing. Maybe. Maybe I'll change my mind someday and decide what will really complete me is a tiny person entirely dependent on me for its survival,  that will leak all manner of disgusting bodily fluids everywhere and ruin all my precious things. Maybe. Maybe, though, I won't. Maybe I'll never feel that inexplicable urge to breed that so many people seem to share. Or perhaps I will feel it but will ignore it anyway in pursuit of a life that is entirely mine. Who can say? Perhaps I'll actually end up having 13 children and living happily ever after under piles of toys and dirty washing and whatever other strange and mystical things kids seem to cultivate. Right now, I can't think of anything worse.

I also hope to never end up in a committed relationship with someone who is desperate to be a father-someone who will never be happy to be with just me but will always feel like something is missing. I doubt it'll ever happen, but if I end up with someone who has always pictured having children then there's no way it could work forever-at some point I'd have to make them choose between having me and having something that they'd always dreamed of-and I'm not sure it's a battle I would win easily. I don't want to be that person, I don't want to give someone that ultimatum, don't want to make someone choose between the love they have and the children they might have someday. I also wouldn't want to lose, to end up broken hearted because I wouldn't give them the thing that they'd always wanted, because no matter how much I loved them, I couldn't have kids just to keep them mine. It would be wrong. I just really hope it's a conversation I never have to have.

So there we go-something I never want to have to do in my life-create another person. I'd also really like people to stop expecting me to want to as well, but that might be a wish too far ;)

-Jenni-