Err, You Like A BOY!

-This is a pre-scheduled post as I am currently away from the Internet visiting a friend-

I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and it's not strictly relevant to my life right now, but I rather liked it and also think it provides a bit of back story to the stuff that is going on in it currently. I didn't post it at the time because I didn't want the world and his wife to know what was in my head but now it doesn't really matter because everyone important knows now. Anyway, onwards:

I'd forgotten what it was like to fancy someone. You know, school girl giggly, resisting the urge to doodle their name everywhere kind of fancy someone. I'd forgotten how fun it could be-I never had this with my last ex-it took me so long to realise that I actually liked him that I missed out on all these enjoyable bits and I'd forgotten them all. To fall asleep thinking about them because you can't get them off your mind, to dream about them and then to wake up and have them spring into your thoughts before anything else. When you like someone for no other reason than because they are them it sends you just a little bit mad, in a good way of course, but I had forgotten quite how much this was the case. I'd forgotten how you start to expect every Facebook message, every text to be from them, even if they have no reason to be contacting you at all, and though you try not to you feel a smidgeon of disappointment when it's not them-every time. I'd forgotten how you over analyse everything they say and do to try and work out if they like you too or if you're just seeing things that aren't there because you want them to be so badly. You find yourself talking about them all the time even though the conversation isn't relevant and you can turn any situation into a thought about them through some weird steps of logic that only you could possibly understand. You get so tangled in your own head that you can't tell what's just having a flirty friendship and what's actual flirting-can't tell what's actually there and what's in your head, can't tell if they're feeling this madness too or if it's all going to end in tears-for you at least.

And then if you are brave enough to ever tell them, if you're lucky enough then they just might feel the same and then there's a whole other lunacy to contend with. There's the delicious sense of expectation between the point where you admit that you like one another and your first kiss-you're existing in a sort of limbo state between not being anyone's 'person' and belonging to them-somewhere between 'single' and 'taken'. Your imagination (if it's anything like mine) will run riot imagining all the things that you might do together. You don't know what their kisses feel like, what they look like naked, where you'll go or what you'll do or even who you'll be together, so you imagine them all a hundred different ways. All these stories, all these unknowns play out in your head every night stopping you from going to sleep and it's hard even to mind because they're wonderful-you're in them, they're in them and a host of new things that are as yet unknown to you. You start to memorise all the things about them that make you like them-the way that they smile, the colour of their eyes when the sunlight hits them, the things they say that make you laugh. You start collecting all those random, useless pieces of information that you acquire about someone you know really well-their middle name and their shoe size, their favourite colour, the name of that band they really like-all stuff that is entirely pointless but you can't help but remember it anyway, because it all adds to the picture of them you keep in your mind. You remember the way they look at you-really look at you-like they never want to stop looking at you, like they're committing your face to their memory (and they probably are) and you know that you have the exact same intense expression on your face too.

You can't help but feel like a teenager waiting for your first kiss all over again-you just want to claim them as your own by smushing your faces together, just to end the terrible, wonderful anticipation of it all. You're nervous and excited and every time you think about them you can't help but smile, a huge great grin across your face that tells everyone around exactly who's on your mind. You constantly allow yourself to get lost in the could-bes, might-happens and unknowns because they make you happy, you keep imagining how it's going to feel the first time they kiss you, what might happen the first time you go to bed together, what it will feel like for you to be theirs, for them to be yours. 

You know when you fancy someone-really fancy someone, when you can't get them off your mind and wouldn't want to for a second? I reckon that's the greatest kind of madness.

-Jenni-

To Every Man I've Ever Kissed, Part 2

[Source-Open Clip Art Library]

This is the (considerably shorter) half of this two part blog. You can read part 1 here if you want to read it , which covers right from when I was 6 to when I was 18. This one picks up where that one ended, and takes me right up to today, and was the harder half to write for sure. But then again it would be, because it's covering my most recent ex-a tale you've all heard before and one I'm doing my best not to dwell on too much any more. Succeeding mostly too.
Here's part two then:

To My Second Love;

It’s weird, I can’t remember our first kiss at all-I was still with Mr. #1 (though by this stage I don’t really know why) and it evolved as a goodbye peck on the lips-how I hadn't clicked that I majorly had the hots for you by then I just don't know. I remember the first proper ones though-I remember nearly everything about ‘Superhero Night’ actually, although I bet you've forgotten every detail. I remember holding the curtain open to let the moonlight illuminate your face and realising just how much I liked you, and that I didn’t feel guilty about it. It was finally time for me to let go of Mr. #1 and you became Mr. #2 not too much longer afterwards.

I always liked your kisses, they weren't slobbery, or sticky, and you weren't miserly with them but happy to give me as many as I wanted and take as many in return. When you used to send me goodnight texts with lots of xs on I'd joke that I actually wanted that many when I saw you again-and you always obliged. We were sickeningly sweet behind closed doors, although I doubt many of our friends would have guessed because we were never really affectionate in public-something which I didn't actually mind too much at all.
I can still remember our last kiss-I remember the ending as clearly as the beginning actually. It was a day full of emotions and tears and heartbreak on both sides. At the end you left and I remained collapsed on the bed, utterly broken. I heard your footsteps over my head as you walked out of my house and then I ran after you, wanting to kiss you goodbye just one more time. It was a fleeting kiss, as you stood on my doorstep for the last time, and it tasted of tears but I'm glad we had it because it was the final full stop on the final page of our book, and I really needed that.
Heartbroken, I may have been, but I'm thankful that we ended things properly. Even though that wasn't the last time I ever saw you, in my head it was the ending of everything I knew at the time so I'm grateful to have a good memory to look back on, really. I can forget everything after that, because you’d already moved on anyway, but that kiss was the last moment you were ever mine.

To Mr. Next, Whoever You May Be;

I've imagined how our first kiss will go a hundred times (although you don’t actually have a face in my mind yet) but I know it won’t turn out like that, really. I'm going to be so nervous and feel incredibly sick and it’s going to be awful.  It will be my first ‘first kiss’ for at least 4 years so I'm not really going to know what to do with myself. I'll be horrendously under confident and shy and basically wishing you would do all the work so I don't have to. I apologise in advance if I bash my teeth into yours or turn my head the wrong way or can't actually look at you at all because our faces are so close and I want to kiss you but just can't. I’ll be nervous and jittery and undoubtedly a bit crap-it's been a while, I've sort of forgotten what I'm supposed to do and how it all works. I'm hoping it will all come back to me after that first time, but you might need to remind me a little. I just hope you’re understanding, and kind, and laugh with me when things go a bit wrong rather than letting it make things even more awkward. I'm looking forward to it (and am terrified about it) already. Now come and find me already, I'm getting impatient!

-Jenni-

To Every Man I've Ever Kissed Part 1

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I've been a bit neglectful of my blog recently, but that's because not much has been happening to me and also because the things that have been happening to me I don't want to (or can't) blog about yet. I read a similar one of these posts on Thought Catalogue and really liked the idea so thought I'd do one of my own. Things are going to get personal and I do hope you won't judge me too harshly-believe me I've spent enough time doing that to myself. It's in two parts basically coz it's really long, which is surprising (for me) given that it only talks about 5ish people.
Here we go then, a letter to every man I've ever kissed, part 1:

To the very, very first;

We were in school together and you always let me catch you when we played kiss-chase. We were “boyfriend and girlfriend” for all of infant school and probably entirely too adorable too.

I saw you, not too long ago actually, on a bus. You clearly had no idea who I was but I remembered because I never forget a face and had to smile to myself. You have a weird accent now (I would guess from uni?) but your voice is still the same. You smoked a cigarette at the bus stop-eugh, lucky escape.

To my first, proper kiss;

I was 14ish and miserable because all my close friends had boyfriends and that was everything I really wanted. You were 17ish (I think) and we met at Explorers (Scouts). I can’t remember all the intricacies but I remember the first kiss. We were sat on your bed watching Futurama and we kissed for hours. I have to confess it wasn’t the best kiss in the world-there was a lot of slobber. I kept reapplying my lip balm because you were drying my lips out and you hated the texture. To this day I still don’t really like saliva and I hear you still hate Vaseline too-fair’s fair I guess.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you wanted me to be-but I was just a teenager who wanted to be wanted-I had no idea what love was, not then. I can only hope your kissing technique has improved by now though.

To my first love;

We were too cute together, I’m sure. So chronically nervous about admitting our feelings to each other that my friend gave you her phone so you could text me to ask me out. Your hands were too big for the tiny buttons, so in the end she did it for you-an unorthodox start, I'll admit. I texted back my response and that was it, we were a couple. We spent a lot of time nuzzling and snuggling and probably being incredibly insensitive and ignorant to our friends. Your stubble used to mess my hair up when you rested your chin on my head (ever after known as the Velcro Effect) but I was too smitten to care. I remember one time when it started raining really suddenly when we were in town-everyone else scattered for cover but we stood kissing in the middle of the downpour like we had just stepped straight out of a film or something.

Honestly though, I can’t really remember what your kisses felt like. Towards the end of our relationship we stopped doing anything other than a swift peck on the lips and I remember missing those times at the start when we just used to kiss for hours and hours. Basically we just slowly unravelled to the point where we didn’t know each other anymore and no amount of pretending would save us. I’m sort of sad to say I can’t even remember our last kiss.

To Mr. Intermediate;

I can still remember what I said to you after you first kissed me: “Well if someone had been watching us all morning they’d be cheering now we’ve finally kissed!”-it did feel pretty inevitable. And of course, we shouldn’t have and I felt bad for doing so-but that didn’t stop me doing it again. I was pretty conflicted at this point-Mr. First Love and I were falling apart at the seams and I was so starved of affection that flirting with you, kissing you, seemed like a good idea at the time. You said all the things that I desperately wanted to hear and I just gave in to that in the end. I was terrified of losing him, of having to learn to be on my own, even with my lips glued (literally, they were quite sticky kisses...) to another man’s face I still thought I loved him and couldn’t be without him. I know you wanted me desperately and would have been mine in a second if I’d asked, but I have to confess I’m not sure I ever, properly, wanted you. 

We spent maybe 6, 9 months sneaking around and kissing illicitly and I started to hate myself more and more-I didn’t like the person you were turning me into.  I can’t remember when we stopped, or why, but my crushing sense of guilt probably had a lot to do with it.
We tried to stay friends but you wanted me all to yourself and I wasn’t prepared to give that, so we parted ways, none too amicably either.
For a while, you were my only (big) regret but now I’ve given up on that-I’d rather think that everything that’s happened in the past has helped to make me who I am today. At the time, I needed it, because it paved the way for what was to happen next. 

And you'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out what that was, sorry.

-Jenni-

There's Been A Change In Me, A Kind Of Moving On

It's more sad if it's blue, right?
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A year ago on Monday was the worst day of my life thus far. Sounds melodramatic but it's true really-my world as I had known it for 3 years and approx. 27 days ended and I experienced all kinds of hurting that I'd never known before. I've always had a strange affinity for 'dates that things happened on' and I can remember the days significant life events occurred on for a very long time-the "anniversary" (for want of a better word) of the day my last relationship ended being no exception. I'd actually expected to feel a bit down in the dumps with the memory of that horrendous day hanging over me, but actually everything was fine-good in fact. I can't say I wouldn't have been miserable if I were on my own doing nothing, but I wasn't, so it wasn't an issue at all. In fact, I didn't really think too much about it, except when I was mentioning it to my friends, and it didn't make me sad one little bit-which is excellent. One of my mates commented that it feels like its gone by really quickly but for me the 22nd April 2012 seems an age ago-I was someone else then and I can tell there have been changes in me between then and now. And mostly, it's been a pretty good year-I've learned a lot in it and I'm pretty certain I'm over that relationship now. It definitely doesn't have a hold over me any more and that's brilliant.

It's weird to think that the last time I spent a full year totally single was in 2004, and now it's 2013. I'm nowhere near the same person I was then, and boy am I glad I'm not still the angsty teenager desperate to have a boyfriend any more, because really-who wants to deal with that?!? Now I know myself better and love myself more, I know what's in my heart and how my head works and I reckon I'm a better person in a myriad of ways. I'm repeatedly astonishing myself by the things that I'm learning about myself that teenage me would never have believed-that I don't need to be in a relationship to be perfectly happy and content, that I don't need someone else to complete me, that life is perfectly fulfilling on its own without someone to share everything with. That I am no less amazing just because there isn't someone who believes that besides myself, and that I don't need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful to make me feel it.

I feel it's been a necessary year too. I don't think I could have even contemplated starting a new relationship for much of it because I was too hung up on the effects of the old one-that's been a much more recent development. This past year has been enough to allow me to grieve, to heal, to grow and to move on and close the book on that chapter of my life. It happened, it was good, now it's done with and a new one is unfolding in front of me full of unknowns and intrigue. Now I feel I'm ready to be in a relationship again, should the chance cross my path, although there's nothing on the immediate horizon and I'm OK with that too. Sure, there are definitely parts of my brain and heart that keep telling me how much I need a boyfriend NOW, but they're much less insistent than they were when I was a desperate-to-be-loved teenager, and I can happily ignore them most of the time.

So there we go. I survived my first year ever (basically) of singledom, of not having a boyfriend, not being in love, not having sex or someone to share all the minutiae of my life with, no snuggles, no cuddles, no kisses. I'm proud of myself. It might not seem like a big achievement but for me it is-I'm the girl who stayed with my first boyfriend 18 months longer than I really should have done because I was terrified of being single and didn't know how to be just myself again as opposed to half of a couple. I'm a girl who really likes being in love and all the crap that comes with it. I'm the girl who falls for people stupidly quickly and incredibly obviously so all the world will know.
But as I said, I've grown up and learnt a lot in these 365 days. Yes, it really hurt sometimes, and it took me to some dark and lonely places, but I'm glad it happened. Here's a toast to the 22nd April 2012, and the fact it doesn't have a hold over me any more.

It's just another date.

-Jenni-


Title of post taken from 'Change in Me-Beauty and the Beast'

The Dreaded V-Word.

(Source)

So it's my first Valentine's Day as a singleton (in a while, at least), and I'm cool with that. I actually have always quite liked Valentine's Days myself, I've had some lovely ones and I don't feel like I can begrudge it to anyone who's still enjoying it now. I definitely don't hate the day, don't hate being "constantly reminded I don't have a significant other" as a lot of people seem to moan about, don't really mind it at all. And yes, I know it's completely commercialised, but then again what holiday isn't nowadays? The thing I've always liked is looking outside the hearts and flowers and chocolates to buy someone a gift they really want and will cherish, a gift that really says 'I Love You' or 'I like you' or 'I want to get naked with you and do the no pants dance together' or whatever sentiments you wish to convey. Regardless, this isn't what this post is about.

What this post is about is this: I found a cool thing and I want to share it. This is the cool thing: NaBloPoMo (sounds ridiculous, I know) which means National Blog Posting Month (I think)-encouraging bloggers to post every day for a month on a theme. I've discovered it too late to join in this month, but I might in the future if there's a theme that captures my inspiration. They have created a list of 20 prompts to help you along and I've decided as a Valentine's treat for you all (haha) to use the prompts to create a mini Q&A on the theme. Basically just because I can.

[NB: This post is loooooong. I won't be annoyed (or indeed know) if you skip to the end!]

Prompt 1: When was the last time you said "I love you"?
Honestly, I don't know. It was probably as an exasperated response to one of my parents to get them to finally hang up the phone. I definitely tweeted it at a friend earlier in response to a silly thing she did that tickled me, does that count?

2: Tell us about your first crush.
We were in infant school together, and I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend. We held hands and played kiss chase and he deliberately let me catch him so I had to kiss him on the back of his neck. He let me play with his Transformers toys and his Mum gave me Vimto for the first time. Ah the heady days of young love.

3: How old were you the first time you fell in love?
Sceptics amongst you won't believe me but I was 15. It was a very immature kind of love, but I definitely loved him. It was why I was so scared of letting him go for so long.

4: Do you remain friends with ex-boyfriends after you break up?
Apparently not, no.

5. Describe your ideal date night
Well for starters my ideal date night would be with someone I already knew well enough to talk to, because the idea of going on a date with a stranger scares the pants off me. I think maybe a trip to the theatre or even just a night on the sofa watching silly DVDs and eating takeaway-something relaxed and fun to take the pressure away from the fact that OMGTHISISADATEAAAH. Which is what would be happening inside my head.

6. Name the most romantic movie of all time.
Ugh, I dunno, I don't watch soppy love films. I'm going to go with Love Actually or Bridget Jones because they're ones I've actually seen (and they're funny too, which is a plus!)

7. What's your ideal Valentine's celebration?
Probably the same as the date to be honest, something fun and relaxed. As long as I got to spend a good amount of time with the person I loved being horrendously soppy and romantic and then later show him my (undoubtedly) new underwear, I'm all good.

8. What's your favourite Valentine's Day candy?
I'm a chocolate girl, milk if given a choice. I once got given a giant chocolate heart for V-Day, it was over a centimetre thick and about 20 centimetres tall. AND REALLY YUMMY.

10. (9 wasn't really applicable to a Brit!) How do you feel about Valentine's Day?
See above really. I happen to like it because I can ignore all the commercialised crap and just enjoy spending a day with someone where they're trying to be romantic if they wouldn't normally. It's a day I can have them all to myself without complaint, and no-one expects anything other than you to be totally engrossed in the person you love for a day. I think that's nice, really. I don't begrudge happy couples a happy day.

11. How did this Valentine's Day compare with previous ones?
Well. See this is a weird question to answer because due to the amazing powers of scheduling blogs and insomnia I'm writing this a week before the day itself (Hello from the past!) so I don't actually know how this V-Day has turned out. This year though, the big difference is that I'm single, so I probably won't be doing much apart from getting a card from my best mate that she'll pretend she had nothing to do with AGAIN.
Last year's was fun, me and my housemate both had our boyfriends over and acted like giddy schoolgirls all day because we were so excited. We made Exploding Chocolate Gateaux  which was really yummy and we cooked together and generally the day had a bit of a community spirit to it, which was rather fun-getting to share your happiness with someone else being happy is nice.

12. What's the most romantic book you've ever read?
Again, as with the films, I don't really read romantic books. I read books with murder and gore and tired policemen in, they don't really go in for romantic. I know I've read books where the protagonists fell in love and I felt it alongside them, the kind of books where you're just a bit too engrossed in the story and it's actually happening to you. But outside of that moment I am hard pushed to remember any.

13. Martin Luther King Jr. said "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." Which is easier for you to feel: love or hate?
I think it depends on the situation; I fall fast and hard when I'm falling in love and then it's difficult for me to feel anything else. However I think it's easier to hate someone than love someone, because hate is a much more simple emotion. You know you don't like someone for X, Y, Z reasons and therefore you don't want to spend time with them. With love, it's a bazillion times more complicated and can leave you feeling on top of the world or shattered into pieces depending on the situation. And who can ever really say with any certainty what made you fall in love with someone (unless you break it down to simple brain chemistry) and what keeps you falling in love with them every time you see them? Hating someone is simple, loving someone is much more of a mind-fuck.

14. Immature love says 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' How do you define mature love?
I don't know. Does anyone? Relationships are constantly evolving and changing and so is the way you love someone. I'm not sure I have experienced mature love yet, if there is indeed such a thing. Ask me again in 10/20 years.

15. Do you think people can live without love?
No. I mean in the short term, yes. But over a lifetime? No. Being in love is one of the best things, and I certainly couldn't go forever without feeling that again. I think it's one of the things we all live for.

16. Aristotle said "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Do you agree or disagree?
Hard to say really. I think if I said I agreed then I'd have to admit to believing in the notion of soul mates, which is something I am still undecided on. I love the idea of soul mates, that person that's the other half of your jigsaw piece, and I also believe that they don't have to be romantic-that person could be your best mate, or even someone you can't stand. However, if I did commit to believing in that, I'd also have to admit to myself that I may have met mine (at the start we were like two halves of a whole, male and female equivalents of each other), gone out with him for 3 years and now don't even speak to him, which is a bit galling.
So I think I'm going to disagree with Aristotle. I'm going to say that love is a connection between two people that no-one else can experience, for every love is different and you won't love two people in the same two ways. It's two heartbeats beating the same rhythm, two brains thinking the same thoughts, two bodies matched perfectly together. The jury's still out on souls.

17. Do you think you would enjoy being a "sex symbol"?
Ha! Probably a bit too much. I'd certainly be an nontraditional one-I doubt I'm a lot of people's idea of "sexy". Still, I imagine it would be fun, for a while.

18. Do you think sex education should come from the parents, the school or both?
BOTH. (I rant about this here) This is really hypocritical of me but I think parents and children should talk about sex without it being awkward (hypocritical because I still basically run away if my parents mention it, and I'm 22!), and should certainly discuss contraception and how to protect yourself against unwanted babies and unwanted STIs. And personally, I don't care how religious the school is, I think it should be mandatory that all educational establishments have to teach Sex Ed, teach kids that Penis + Vagina often = Baby plus a host of other nasties, and Penis + Condom + Pill/other form of contraception + Vagina is a much more sensible way to go about things. I'm amazed how often people my age don't know about contraception, and wonder how this is possible/allowed, then proceed to fill them in on everything I know.  School kids need to know this people, 'coz they're going to start trying sooner or later and surely it's better they try safely than obliviously?? </endrant>

19. Mae West described sex as "emotion in motion." Discuss.
To be honest, this just makes me giggle a bit. I don't really think sex is that emotional, not right in the moment when you're all sweaty and enjoying yourself as much as you can whilst trying not to get cramp and still look alluring. Before/Afterwards, sure, it's a big snuggly mess of lovely emotions-and I acknowledge that it's a physical expression of your love for each other, yes. During though, not so much. During is for getting your rocks off and not worrying about too many emotions at the same time, and sure, you may get a huge rush of love as well as a huge rush of orgasm, but I definitely wouldn't describe it as 'emotion in motion', no.

And finally...When do you feel your sexiest?
On perfectly ordinary days, when I stick on clothes that make me feel amazing, and spend the day feeling awesome and wanting everyone to appreciate how damn sexy I look that day. Usually they're wasted on days where I have nothing to do and no-one to see though, unfortunately.
That, and those times when you're with someone who knows you completely and loves every part of you and they just can't stop touching you and kissing you and telling you how sexy you are to them, they're moments that make you feel pretty amazing too.


End. Well that was pretty fun, actually, dissecting some of those things I'd never normally think about, let alone blog about. If you've read this entire blog to this point then I suspect you're alone on this Valentine's Day too, so hello you single folk. Hope you're not spending your day locked inside to avoid all the happy couples and hating the world. And if you're not a single folk, stop wasting time reading my blog and go and jump on your someone (clothes optional)! This is your day afterall!


TL;DR-Happy Valentine's Day folks! Whether you spent it bumping uglies with your significant other, being vomit-makingly romantic or on your own and loving/hating it, I hope you had a good un!

-Jenni-