Err, You Like A BOY!

-This is a pre-scheduled post as I am currently away from the Internet visiting a friend-

I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and it's not strictly relevant to my life right now, but I rather liked it and also think it provides a bit of back story to the stuff that is going on in it currently. I didn't post it at the time because I didn't want the world and his wife to know what was in my head but now it doesn't really matter because everyone important knows now. Anyway, onwards:

I'd forgotten what it was like to fancy someone. You know, school girl giggly, resisting the urge to doodle their name everywhere kind of fancy someone. I'd forgotten how fun it could be-I never had this with my last ex-it took me so long to realise that I actually liked him that I missed out on all these enjoyable bits and I'd forgotten them all. To fall asleep thinking about them because you can't get them off your mind, to dream about them and then to wake up and have them spring into your thoughts before anything else. When you like someone for no other reason than because they are them it sends you just a little bit mad, in a good way of course, but I had forgotten quite how much this was the case. I'd forgotten how you start to expect every Facebook message, every text to be from them, even if they have no reason to be contacting you at all, and though you try not to you feel a smidgeon of disappointment when it's not them-every time. I'd forgotten how you over analyse everything they say and do to try and work out if they like you too or if you're just seeing things that aren't there because you want them to be so badly. You find yourself talking about them all the time even though the conversation isn't relevant and you can turn any situation into a thought about them through some weird steps of logic that only you could possibly understand. You get so tangled in your own head that you can't tell what's just having a flirty friendship and what's actual flirting-can't tell what's actually there and what's in your head, can't tell if they're feeling this madness too or if it's all going to end in tears-for you at least.

And then if you are brave enough to ever tell them, if you're lucky enough then they just might feel the same and then there's a whole other lunacy to contend with. There's the delicious sense of expectation between the point where you admit that you like one another and your first kiss-you're existing in a sort of limbo state between not being anyone's 'person' and belonging to them-somewhere between 'single' and 'taken'. Your imagination (if it's anything like mine) will run riot imagining all the things that you might do together. You don't know what their kisses feel like, what they look like naked, where you'll go or what you'll do or even who you'll be together, so you imagine them all a hundred different ways. All these stories, all these unknowns play out in your head every night stopping you from going to sleep and it's hard even to mind because they're wonderful-you're in them, they're in them and a host of new things that are as yet unknown to you. You start to memorise all the things about them that make you like them-the way that they smile, the colour of their eyes when the sunlight hits them, the things they say that make you laugh. You start collecting all those random, useless pieces of information that you acquire about someone you know really well-their middle name and their shoe size, their favourite colour, the name of that band they really like-all stuff that is entirely pointless but you can't help but remember it anyway, because it all adds to the picture of them you keep in your mind. You remember the way they look at you-really look at you-like they never want to stop looking at you, like they're committing your face to their memory (and they probably are) and you know that you have the exact same intense expression on your face too.

You can't help but feel like a teenager waiting for your first kiss all over again-you just want to claim them as your own by smushing your faces together, just to end the terrible, wonderful anticipation of it all. You're nervous and excited and every time you think about them you can't help but smile, a huge great grin across your face that tells everyone around exactly who's on your mind. You constantly allow yourself to get lost in the could-bes, might-happens and unknowns because they make you happy, you keep imagining how it's going to feel the first time they kiss you, what might happen the first time you go to bed together, what it will feel like for you to be theirs, for them to be yours. 

You know when you fancy someone-really fancy someone, when you can't get them off your mind and wouldn't want to for a second? I reckon that's the greatest kind of madness.

-Jenni-