I Think They Call It An Ephiphany

-I would like to apologise for my mini hiatus-last week was my birthday week so I have been somewhat occupied with fun things and awesome people and therefore haven't spent much time on my blog-sorry!-

I've realised something over the last few weeks or so-something that should never have taken me so long to figure out, something that's actually been staring me in the face for nearly a year. There's a reason I'm so appalling at looking for/applying for jobs in Nottingham and that's because I don't want to be here. If I get a full time-or actually even a part time job in Notts then I have something that's keeping me here, an actual physical reason that I have to stay in a city that I no longer love. I've written before about how Nottingham isn't my city any more and that my heart belongs to Sheffield. I thought when I graduated that my restlessness came from having to live with my parents again but I do really think it's because I feel displaced-I'm not living in the place I want to be living in any more and it's slowly suffocating me.

I've never really been able to leave Sheffield behind me, I'm always popping up to visit and staying as long as I can afford to, I'm never happier than that moment when I step out of the train station doors and feel like I'm home again.
It means that I don't really feel like I'm actually living unless I'm there, a lot of the time I just feel like I'm marking time between my visits. My life is streaming past me and I'm content to just waste it with inactivity, my brain is stagnating and withering and I'm letting it-because I can't bring myself to care, force myself to reform attachments to the city that I have to live in because I've always lived in it. I feel like I'm having an illicit affair-I pine for Sheffield and Nottingham doesn't stand a chance of winning back my affections because it's just not the place I'm in love with, not any more.
I don't want to get a job here because then I would be stuck here for good and my other city would only become a dream, a fantasy. And I can't, I don't want that. I feel like I've just put my life on hold since coming home-I don't really do any of the things I love any more. I'm not involved with any performing arts groups-no singing, no acting, and I really miss being on a stage. But the only groups I want to audition for are in my City of Steel and there's nothing similar close by to me here, even if I did want to join.

I'm just stuck in this kind of apathy and although I am angry at myself for my inactivity I'm not angry enough to do anything about it-I'm too geographically misplaced. For my own sake and my sanity I need to go back so that I can start living again. I want to live as an independent adult rather than feeling like a teenager in my parents house, I want to constantly complain about how steep the hills are but know that they're my hills to complain about and love them for it. I want to live in one of the areas I love, shop in its shops and never need to venture too far away because it has everything I need. I want to hang out in beautiful parks and old fashioned pubs, to audition for too many shows, to go into sandwich shops and confuse them by asking for a 'cob' and to know that my heart is home and be happy again.

I'm sorry Nottingham, it's not you it's me, but I'm breaking up with you. My heart belongs to another and I need to go back home.

-Jenni-

Diary Of A Scrounger

Ugh, even this makes me feel depressed

I've been on the dole for a little over two months now and they've already made me want to jack it all in again-if it weren't for the fact that I kinda need the money I probably would have by now. I'm a little in awe of anyone who chooses to deliberately live like this (like our dear government seems to think so many people are doing)-going in for fortnightly meetings, being moved around from person to person, having forms filled in for you (because of course they're much too complicated to do by yourself!) and jumping through all of the necessary hoops to keep them satisfied that you're actively looking for work-it's exhausting and humiliating. I can't understand why anyone would choose that as a life for themselves if they had any other options.

When I was sat there the other day having the appropriate form filled out for me, there was a box to fill in my National Insurance Number, so I rattled it off to the guy. He continued searching through the various bits of paper looking for it so I assumed he hadn't heard me. I told him it again, and this time he acknowledged that I'd spoken to him, yet he still found the appropriate bit of paper and copied it down as if I'd never opened my mouth. I just felt like a child, like I couldn't be trusted to know my own personal information and it had to be verified through another source.

On another occasion my advisor expressed surprise that I hadn't got a job if I was applying to all the ones I'd listed on their stupid form. I told her why-because I'm really crap at application forms-then asked if they had anything that could help me with that. She basically replied that they only really have workshops to help people who have never had a job and that there wouldn't be any point in me going on them because they wouldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Apparently I have had too much work experience for the job centre to help me find a job...great. Oh and my degree, that confuses them every time. I sometimes have to wonder if I am the only person who's come through Higher Education who's ever stepped foot in that place, the way they goggle at me like I'm an alien. Clearly the concepts of a graduate failing at life is not something they encounter all that often at the good ol' dole office.

This week they didn't give me any money. I've been racking my brains trying to work out why this is, because as far as I know I'd done all that they had asked of me. Apparently I didn't jump through every hoop properly, or forgot to do something and therefore MUST BE PUNISHED. Now I'm kinda lucky in that I do have a little bit of spare money to play with-money that was ear marked out for driving lessons but is slowly but surely being consumed by trips to Sheffield and a new waterproof coat for this lovely British summer we're having etc. I'm not desperate for the dole money (yet!), but I can't help but wonder what would happen if I was? What if that £113 was all that I had to last me two weeks, and it got taken away with no prior warning, where would that leave me? I had a meeting with my advisor last week, she could have told me what I had neglected to do, given me some forewarning that I wouldn't be getting anything this week, pointed out my mistake so that I wouldn't do it again. Instead the first inkling I had that I was getting any money for (at least) this fortnight was when it wasn't in my bank account on Monday morning. If I'd have needed that money to, y'know, LIVE OFF, I would have been absolutely screwed: No food for me this week, I have nothing to buy it with. That's OK though, because I can't even pay for the bus trip to the supermarket because I have no money. Better not turn on any lights or use any hot water because I have nothing to pay the bills with.
I know I am lucky because these aren't problems I am actually facing, but Jesus, if the people who run the country think that people would actually choose to live like that, their livelihood decided by the whim of someone else, then they're bigger wankers than I thought they were. Here I was thinking the job centre actually want to help people. Fat chance.

-Jenni-

My dear readers, can I ask of you a huge favour? Me and my best friend Rara have made the final of a competition to win a holiday to Dublin but the result is decided by Facebook votes. Please can you spare a couple of seconds to go to this link and vote for 'Jenni and Sarah' to give us a shot? I would be forever grateful!
THANK YOU!

What I'm Doing With My Unemployment...

I'm having a bit of a dull fortnight to be honest, nothing really interesting is going on in my life and so finding fun stuff to blog about it is a bit like panning for gold in a murky river-sometimes you get a glittering nugget of inspiration but most of the time it's just stones and mud. I'm so bored of late, nothing at all is happening to me-today I shaved my legs to give me something to do (I wish that was an exaggeration...) and the only reason I had to get up and get dressed (a dentists appointment) got cancelled before I'd even properly got out of bed. Another pyjama day, then.

In a bid to remind myself that life is fun, and also because a good friend of mine is pressuring me to write more blogs so she can read them as procrastination (Love you really AC ;) ) I'm going to tell you the fun stuff I'm doing with my unemployment and dole money.

-Bass Guitar
I found a Groupon for music lessons in September last year and bought it practically on impulse. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with it, I just wanted to do something. I opted for bass guitar, because it's a little different to standard guitar lessons, and because that way my Dad (who has been playing guitar since his teens) can't interfere too much. I begged my parents for a bass for Christmas, found one that I totally fell in love with, and was so lucky to find her wrapped up under my tree.

A friend told me to take a picture "rocking out"
so I did! </highlyselfabsorbedphoto>

Now she's not perfect-she isn't an expensive bass, and her strings need a bit of jiggering about with to get her sound right, but I love her. She's beautiful and lovely, and sounds reallyreally good. The only downside is that I can't afford lessons at the moment, but I'm going to ask for some birthday money to put towards them because I really want to get back to playing-I really like having something that's totally mine, that I chose to do completely as a whim and with no other influences.

-Swing Dancing
Technically, I haven't started this yet, but I've bought a block of 10 lessons, again on Groupon, because I've wanted to learn to swing dance ever since I went to a taster session at uni in my first year. Why I didn't join the society I don't know, but for whatever reason I didn't, so when I saw them crop up on Groupon, and after a quick Facebook consultation* I bought them for myself. I'm quite excited to get started! (Note to self...ring up and book!) I'm also hoping this will help make me a little fitter/healthier, just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean I can't look after myself, right?

-Pen Pals
I don't know about you but I really like getting nice things in the post. In a fit of boredom and insomnia one early morning I googled 'pen pal sites' just to see what would turn up. There was a surprising number but the one I liked the look of most was this one-http://lettersandgifts.tumblr.com/ -where you can create a short bio for yourself and leave your email address for people to get back to you. I got quite a few responses from mine-and now have four lovely pen pals from around the world! (Two in the States, one in Brazil and one in Italy) It's just really pleasant to be able to sit and write letters to people that I don't know at all on thick, creamy paper and in a fountain pen and it's also really nice reading about them too!

I dunno, it feels old fashioned and quaint and really quite nice, like a throw back to another time. I think that's why I love it, in this world of smart phones and twitter/Facebook and technology that allows us to keep in touch with people 24/7 I quite like the fact that you have to post a letter than wait weeks for a reply, it feels like you're slowing life down a little. I don't even know what any of these people look like yet, it's a tiny bit magic =)

-PostCrossing
At the same time I discovered my pen pal site, I discovered PostCrossing. A bit like my (failed!) attempt at sending postcards out to my followers, the premise is fairly simple-you get an address and send a post card to it. When the person receives that postcard, they register it on the site and then your address gets moved to the top of the list for people to send one to. So it's not quite like having a pen pal because you get postcards back from someone you've never sent one to, and so forth-it's really quite fun. I so far have received 16
postcards from all around the world and also sent lots everywhere too!

Please excuse the peculiar angle, this is a
wall on my stairs and really hard to
photograph!

I've had to limit myself to only sending 5 postcards a month though, because otherwise it gets quite expensive, but none the less it's still awesome. I've even gained a blog follower or two from it (hello!) so it's reaching further than just pretty things landing on my doormat =)

So there you go. I mean that's obviously not everything I'm doing with my free time, I spent a lot of time on the internet, I read a lot and I visit my friends/get them to visit me when I can. It's definitely not all bad, but recently I've noticed that time seems to be slowing down, making days last years because I have nothing to do in them but search and apply for endless jobs that I'm not even qualified for anyway. It's got to that stage of boredom, where you resort to tidying your room because it's something that fills a couple of hours.

I am, however, glad for the little things, the moments of fun, for every time I get something mildly exciting in the post and for every time someone makes me laugh by talking to me on Facebook, even for 5 minutes.

Right, so that's this post done, now what to do next?..

-Jenni-


*with answers that ranged from "Yes, then I'll have someone I can swing dance with" to "There will be menfolk there Jenni"-my friends know me well...