Putting The 'Living' Back In My Life

So on Monday the thing I've been wanting for so long finally, finally, happens. After viewing what feels like hundreds of houses-some of them nice, some of them not so nice-after being repeatedly turned down or just never contacted again, after getting my hopes up only to have them dashed, I am finally moving back to the city that possesses my heart, the place that is home more than anywhere else for me.

While on the one hand, I'm elated because this what I've wanted to do basically since I graduated, I'm also a little bit terrified! This move represents me MOVING OUT-actually leaving my parent's house for good and never (hopefully) going back again-and that's pretty scary. For while I know that there will always be a place for me here, it will cease to be my home, my sanctuary, my safe place. I've lived here for my whole life (except when I was at uni) and I've done so much within these four walls-I've laughed, I've loved and I've cried-and now I'm saying goodbye. After this, it'll never quite be the same again, coming back here, the balance will have shifted slightly and I'll always be a visitor rather than someone who lives here. It'll still be the same old house but nothing at all will be the same. It all feels a bit strange somehow, to be leaving.

This move also means that I am going to have to join the ranks of what I've been referring to for the past year and a half as "real people"-people who have a job and pay rent and bills and who are entirely responsible for their own lives. I'm going to have to finally be a grown up and do all of these things for myself rather than spending my time in my pyjamas watching tele. And again, one part of me is relishing the idea of all that independence and autonomy, and the other half is scared because this all means I'm stepping out without a safety net, no parents to help me out this time, it's all on me.

It's fair to say I'm having somewhat mixed feelings about everything. Overall though, I have to say I'm excited because it means I can finally kick start my life again. I can start to do all the things that have been on hold almost since I left uni-I can get back on stage, I can pick up my bass lessons again, I can live again and really start to enjoy life again. I may not have a job yet but I've already found a choir to join and some auditions for a show and I'm making so many plans. I feel like I'm coming out of hibernation or something-blinking into the sunlight of a new world full of prospects (hopefully), a myriad of fun things (definitely) and the realisation that I never have to leave my favourite place behind me again, that's it's finally my home for real as well as in my head.

As M-People said*, "I'm moving on up, I'm moving on out!" and overall, I really can't wait to be back!

-Jenni-

*check out the 90s floppy hair! Oh nostalgia...

Five Minute Fridays-Visit

It's been a while since I've done one of these posts but I had a few moments to spare today, and the prompt sparked a flash of inspiration in my head, so I've joined in today-hurrah!

A reminder-5MF is a kind of writing flash mob-people write for five minutes on a prompt word given on the 5MF blog page. The idea is to focus on the writing and leave it unedited, as it falls out of your head and onto the page in the five minutes you're given. It's kinda fun, and makes your brain work =)

Visit

I don’t like the fact that my city is no longer my own, that I can only visit it and it’s not my home. It feels weird knowing so many streets and houses and places in somewhere that you don’t live in, even though you feel like you should do. Every time I step out of the train station and see the shining fountains and the soaring buildings around me, I feel my heart lift a little, knowing I’m home again, and I always hate having to say goodbye. Getting on a train and pulling away from a place I love so well means I always leave a little bit of me behind with me, because I never want to go. I have been trying to move back there since September and have had door after door (sometimes quite literally) close in my face. I thought I’d found somewhere in early December, a nice room in a nice house in a nice area sharing with nice people, and I was elated to think my city was finally going to be mine again. Three weeks later I found out the nice room had already gone to some other nice person, and no matter how nice the people were they could no longer help me. Honestly, I was pretty heartbroken as I watched my home slip further away from me, and it makes | you think like you’re never going to get back, like you’re asking for something unobtainable, like you should give up and try and love the somewhere else you currently live as much, as if you ever could. But I keep visiting, and my city always welcomes me back, and I keep leaving pieces of me behind myself when I do. Maybe if I leave enough then somehow by osmosis I’ll get there again someday. I can always keep hoping, and always keep visiting.

| denotes where my 5 minute alarm went off

If you want to know what Five Minute Fridays are all about/take part yourself then more information can be found here: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/

My posts are all here: Five Minute Fridays

I Think They Call It An Ephiphany

-I would like to apologise for my mini hiatus-last week was my birthday week so I have been somewhat occupied with fun things and awesome people and therefore haven't spent much time on my blog-sorry!-

I've realised something over the last few weeks or so-something that should never have taken me so long to figure out, something that's actually been staring me in the face for nearly a year. There's a reason I'm so appalling at looking for/applying for jobs in Nottingham and that's because I don't want to be here. If I get a full time-or actually even a part time job in Notts then I have something that's keeping me here, an actual physical reason that I have to stay in a city that I no longer love. I've written before about how Nottingham isn't my city any more and that my heart belongs to Sheffield. I thought when I graduated that my restlessness came from having to live with my parents again but I do really think it's because I feel displaced-I'm not living in the place I want to be living in any more and it's slowly suffocating me.

I've never really been able to leave Sheffield behind me, I'm always popping up to visit and staying as long as I can afford to, I'm never happier than that moment when I step out of the train station doors and feel like I'm home again.
It means that I don't really feel like I'm actually living unless I'm there, a lot of the time I just feel like I'm marking time between my visits. My life is streaming past me and I'm content to just waste it with inactivity, my brain is stagnating and withering and I'm letting it-because I can't bring myself to care, force myself to reform attachments to the city that I have to live in because I've always lived in it. I feel like I'm having an illicit affair-I pine for Sheffield and Nottingham doesn't stand a chance of winning back my affections because it's just not the place I'm in love with, not any more.
I don't want to get a job here because then I would be stuck here for good and my other city would only become a dream, a fantasy. And I can't, I don't want that. I feel like I've just put my life on hold since coming home-I don't really do any of the things I love any more. I'm not involved with any performing arts groups-no singing, no acting, and I really miss being on a stage. But the only groups I want to audition for are in my City of Steel and there's nothing similar close by to me here, even if I did want to join.

I'm just stuck in this kind of apathy and although I am angry at myself for my inactivity I'm not angry enough to do anything about it-I'm too geographically misplaced. For my own sake and my sanity I need to go back so that I can start living again. I want to live as an independent adult rather than feeling like a teenager in my parents house, I want to constantly complain about how steep the hills are but know that they're my hills to complain about and love them for it. I want to live in one of the areas I love, shop in its shops and never need to venture too far away because it has everything I need. I want to hang out in beautiful parks and old fashioned pubs, to audition for too many shows, to go into sandwich shops and confuse them by asking for a 'cob' and to know that my heart is home and be happy again.

I'm sorry Nottingham, it's not you it's me, but I'm breaking up with you. My heart belongs to another and I need to go back home.

-Jenni-