30 Posts of Truth-Part 15

Part 15-Something or someone you couldn't live without (because you've tried it)

I kind of hate myself for this but one think I don't think I could live without any more is The Internet. I'm loathe to admit it but I am a true child of the 21st century and am more than a little addicted to being able to access everything all the time, in my pocket. I don't like being without my Facebook and Twitter and blog-reading what my friends have been up to and telling them my news in return, of tweeting nonsense in under 140 characters, of spilling out my thoughts for other people to read. I've noticed that it's got especially bad since I joined the ranks of smart phone users late last year-I'm constantly finding myself checking for wi-fi signal. I'm hoping that I haven't quite turned into a smart phone dick (although re-reading that post I do have to cringe at what past me would say to present-day me now!), but I have found myself on occasion being guilty of losing track of real life conversations while my brain processes virtual ones-oops!

It's going to be interesting over the next few days because I will be moving into a flat that doesn't yet have internet, and so I am going to have to do without. I'm hoping that some time offline might give me a chance to start weaning myself off it a little, as it has been my biggest companion in the past year, but now real life is beckoning me. We shall have to see how well this goes, haha.

And for all that the internet has a hold over me, I can't begrudge it too much because it's a great way for me to keep in touch with all my friends, whether they be in a different city or a different country-a facebook message here and a tweet there makes the world feel like a much smaller place, and sometimes, that's no bad thing.

-Jenni-

As I mentioned, I will be moving house tomorrow (Eee!) so this blog will probably be silent for a week or so, until I find my feet. And get internet back again, of course! I'll see you all then.

Also the savvy-eyed amongst you will notice that I've skipped one of these posts but that's because #14 was just proving too difficult to write, and life is too short sometimes!

30 Posts of Truth-Part 13

A Band or Artist That Has Got You Through Tough Days (Letter)

Dear Queen (well that feels suitably weird),* 

I know that my choosing you will be a somewhat controversial choice as not everyone will understand just exactly why I love you. I know that some people (although I suspect they are in the minority) will say that they can't stand you and that you are terrible, but to those people I say pish, this is my blog and my letter, take your silly opinions elsewhere. Everyone knows at least one Queen song, don't they? I mean knows it well too, can sing along to all the words and everything. And I suspect a lot of people have a copy of your Greatest Hits buried somewhere on a dusty CD shelf because it's just one of those albums that everyone has, everyone knows, everyone enjoys. But that's not really what this letter is about.

I'm not really one who turns to music when I'm feeling emotional-I like to write sad poems and angry blog posts instead, but the few times I have really needed a song to fit a mood, I have always found one amongst your albums. There are so many songs that match so many emotions-not just the ones everyone knows but the ones that they don't, from the albums that most people haven't heard of unless you're a fan. And there's a song for every mood too-if you're happy, if you're feeling awesome and want to strut down the street, if you feel like crying, if your heart is breaking.

I didn't happen upon your music until I was 13 or so-and then I went to see a performance of 'We Will Rock You' on a school trip. All the songs were awesome but I can distinctly remember listening to the gorgeous version of 'No-One But You' (sung by one of my now favourite West End stars-Kerry Ellis) and feeling the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. It was really beautiful and moving and I decided that I had to know more of this band that I had never heard before, because the music was wrapping itself around my heart and making it beat just a little faster than before. 'No-One But You' was the first Queen song I fell in love with, but there have been many many more since. 

As a slightly older teenager, I had the song 'Someone to Love' as my ringtone because it was all I wanted in the world-someone to love me, someone for me to fall in love with. Talk about subtle hint to the universe, huh? That became 'my' song for a while, because I felt like it could have been written for me-the words were taken right out of my head. The opening line still gives me shivers, even now.

Even last year, when all the crap with my ex and my ex-best friend went down, there was a Queen song that knew how I was feeling. I must have listened to 'Too Much Love Will Kill You' a hundred times on repeat, bawling my eyes out and singing along. The lyrics 'torn between your lover, and the love you leave behind' have never felt more poignant to me and the song still settles an air of melancholy about my shoulders like a cape when I listen to it-but I don't mind that at all because it's gorgeous.

There are others too, of course-'You're My Best Friend' which reminds me of good times and great friends,
' '39', which me and my Dad sing along to in the car, automatically harmonising with each other and 'Love of my Life' which is one of my favourite favourite Queen songs ever because it's beautiful.

I really do think there is a Queen song to fit to any mood, to match any emotion, to make you cry if you need tears or make you laugh if you want to smile, and I love them, I love them all.

So to the legend that is Freddie, to Brian, to Roger and John-thank you. Thank you for your beautiful lyrics, for your foot stomping bass lines, for your epic guitar solos. Thank you for making music that gets into your heart and your head like nothing else, that pull on your emotions and that everyone, anyone could relate to. You might not have "got me through" the tough times so much, but your songs were the soundtrack to them, and a lot of the good times too. I can't believe that it's only been 10 years since I first got my own copy of your Greatest Hits because I feel like I've always known these songs-they've been the backing music to my life for so long that I can't understand how I've not known them forever.

I'm glad I found you when I did.

-Jenni-

*I'm deciding now that I am writing this as if 'Queen' were a singular person, to make my life easier, OK?

30 Posts of Truth-Part 12

12. Something You Never Get Complements On

I'm not really sure how you're supposed to answer this one without it sounding like you're complaining. I can't really think of anything I don't get complemented on either-I have friends who tell me I look good if I do and a boyfriend* who seems to be pretty happy with the way that I look/am so I'm happy.
And actually, even when I was single, I never felt un-complimented or unloved-I think I've just surrounded myself with excellent people who give compliments freely when they're deserved rather than hoarding them like misers.
There's not really anything of mine I don't get complimented on from time to time, because my friends are basically awesome-thanks guys!!

-Jenni-


*Yes, this is a fairly new development to my life. Expect blogs on the subject soon.

30 Posts of Truth-Part 11

I've missed a couple of Sundays posting these, so I thought I'd get this one up today instead, for want of other inspiration!

11. Something People Seem To Complement You The Most On

I had a thought about this and came up with T-Shirts, Socks and Earrings-basically because I wear awesome ones. I didn't want to do a whole post on that though, so I had another thought, and then it hit me, I knew exactly what this post should be about. 

I started blogging in 2011 basically because my best friend had a blog and I liked reading it. I've always loved writing and just decided that this was something I'd enjoy. This blog is actually the second one I started because I wanted to be able to do something a little different to what I started out doing. One day I just decided to share my blog posts on Facebook and suddenly my friends started talking to me about them-so I'm really glad I did. So many people have commented to me about my blog-people I barely know and people I know really well. It is by far the thing I get the most compliments about and I'm always really happy when I do. It means a lot to me that people actually take the time to read my posts, to enjoy them and to tell me that they did. It's the reason I keep it going, the reason I always feel guilty for neglecting it and the reason I will always come back to blogging no matter how long a hiatus I take from it. All of us in this blogosphere are just blurting out our words into a tiny corner of the internet hoping someone will read them-and it makes it a million times better when people do.

So if you're reading this right now, you're awesome. If you're one of the people who have ever told me you enjoy reading my blog then you're one of the reasons I'm still here, still blogging. You guys make it for me, and I thank you so much for every comment, every criticism, every time you read the posts I put out. I'll keep the posts coming as long as you keep enjoying them!

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truth-Part 10

10. Someone You Need To Let Go Of, Or Wish You Didn't Know

When I first read this list of blog prompts, I felt sure that this post was going to be another one about the Ex and the Ex-Best-Friend, how I needed to let them go and forget about them blah blah blah. What I had failed to anticipate though was that I might already have let them go by the time I reached number 10-and I think I covered my reasons for this pretty succinctly in truth number four. I'm glad to say that they're little more than a distant memory now, and while I still think about them from time to time, it's in a way that doesn't really have any emotions attached to it. They were shitty to me, but people are shitty sometimes and I don't need them any more.

So I had another think about it. Who is hanging over my life in a way that means I want to get rid of them, who do I wish I never had to see again, who is really bad for me so that I would be healthier without them in my life?

And I couldn't think of anyone. Right now I don't think there is anyone in my life who I would be better off without. Sure there are some people I like slightly more, some people I like slightly less, but there's no-one I wish I didn't know at all. And it's a wonderful revelation really-that everyone I call a friend is a friend who is good for me and good to me. I've had my share of troublesome friendships/relationships, the ones that turn you into someone you don't really want to be and I'm really glad that I don't have any of those influences on my life at the moment. 

So who do I need to let go of? Absolutely no-one. And that feels good.

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truth-Part 9

9. Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go Of, But Just Drifted

When I was at college (16-18) I had quite a few friends across my modules and subjects, some who I've kept and some who have sadly fallen by the wayside. I've always hated losing friends, there's always been people who I've not wanted to let drift out of my life but sometimes it seems inevitable.

My three closest friends at college were three guys that I used to hang around with a lot-we used to sit around nattering for hours after we'd finished for the day, claiming a bench in the local shopping centre or on a nice day finding a space in the market square. We used to do stuff at the weekends and in the holidays too-either all four of us or various combinations thereof. I spent a year going to gigs with them too, and I've never seen as many different bands in one time period as I did when we all hung out-it was really fun. 

But time passes, and people move on.

I had a sort of falling out with one member of the group in our gap year and though we eventually patched it up, things were never the same. We went to universities scattered across the country-Durham, Sheffield, Birmingham, Nottingham-and even when we were all in the same place we were revising, working or too poor too meet up often so we just grew away from each other. University changed us (as university does) into new people and I can hardly claim I know them any more. Last I heard they were all doing very well for themselves (certainly better than I am!) and are still scattered country-wide. We exchange friendly greetings on Facebook when it's someone's birthday or something exciting happens but that's about the limit of our interactions nowadays, which is fair enough really after 4 years of not seeing each other.

I can't say I mind too much any more either, we've all of us moved on to new places, new people, new adventures.

But if someone offered me a chance to have one day like it used to be, one day where I wasn't the one with the most hair, one more curry night or trip to the beach where I got pushed over in the sand and splashed in the sea, one more endless summer day laughing in the Market Square? Well I'd seize the chance with both hands because I'm sentimental, because we had a really good time together, because I collect memories like some people collect stamps, because they were really fun times and sometimes I still miss them.

If you're reading this boys, have a drink* for me.

-Jenni-

*Yes, it has to be a stupid girly drink that's bright pink or orange, with hardly any alcohol in it and only tasting of fruit, because that's how I roll =p

30 Posts of Truth-Part 8

8. Someone Who Made Your Life Hell

(or treated you like shit)

When I first saw this list of truths I knew exactly who I'd be writing this post about-my first and second year housemate at university. For the sake of anonymity I'm not going to reveal her name, but I'll give her a pseudonym to save overuse of pronouns. Let's call her Tracey, because I don't actually know any Traceys so I hope I won't cause offence to anyone reading this. 

Now Tracey was the first housemate I met when I moved into my flat and she seemed nice enough-she jumped up from her room to shake my hand and helped me and my Dad bring my stuff up from the car. For the first few weeks of term we got on well enough, we went out together (as is practically required) in Fresher's week, we sat on the floor of our kitchen (we didn't have a living room) with our other housemates and found out all the interesting personal details about each other's sex lives, we generally rubbed along, whilst of course getting used to being away from home and in the big scary world of university. 

All the people that lived in our flat (plus two others) signed for a house together in the November, so I was obviously still getting along with her well enough by this point. I can't really remember at which point that changed, nor why it happened-truth be told I think I've blocked a lot of memories out of those two years because I can't remember much of it at all, and to be honest, I'm kinda grateful for that.

Maybe it's because we both had quite strong personalities-we both were vying for the "top dog" position I guess. Tracey was also one of those people who had to have the better story than you-no matter what situation you were in she had it worse/better. I can remember one incident where I, having not received any Student Finance at all at this point was very stressfully eeking out my £500 overdraft to last me the term. Tracey came into my room and complained at me for about half an hour that it was so unfair that her mum wanted to get remarried because if that happened  she would lose about a grand a year in loans. This from the same girl who was constantly telling us she would probably come out of university with no debt. From a girl from a fairly affluent family, who received full student loans because she lived with her mum, a single parent, but who also got money from her Dad plus two bursaries from the university for being there.
It's no exaggeration at all if I tell you that Tracey was the most self-centred person I have ever met. She basically thought the world revolved around her and if you contradicted that view then you were unequivocally wrong. She just made it very difficult for me to actually like her very much.

Fast forward to my second year, through the summer that I had spent dreading my return to uni, because I knew it meant returning to sharing a house with her. My stress levels were so high that I was probably an awful person to live with too, because I couldn't cope with the little un-important things because I was already at a level where everything caused me anguish. There were 6 of us in this house-me, Tracey and four others. At the start of the year it was just me that had problems with Tracey, and I had put it down to an epic personality clash between us or something. By the end of the year there were 5 of us left living in the house, and only one of them was still left talking to Tracey. She'd turned even the most easy going of people against her, someone who would go out of her way to be nice to everyone and always tried to understand things from the other person's point of view, so it can't have just been in my head. 

I don't remember any arguments though, that's the weird thing. I remember passive-aggressive Facebook updates (hers) and passive-aggressive notes (mine) but I don't remember any big blazing fall outs. All I know is that the situation devolved to the point where I ended up having to take special circumstances for my second year summer exams, so that I could retake them when not under the hugely stressful influence that was living with Tracey. That when my friend offered me a room in the house she had already signed for with 6 other people I'd never met before in the January of that year I took her up on that offer like she was throwing me a life boat as I was drowning. In a way, she truly was. 

As I said, it's weird, I don't really remember what caused it all, if it was any one thing. There are a few incidents that will stick in my mind forever-one that I shall refer to only as the Sugar Glider Incident *shudder* but I think overall I just couldn't tolerate someone who was that set on making all around her feel inferior. She had to show you that everything she had was better than whatever you had-her relationship, her grades, her life. She must have been desperately insecure but I can't feel sorry for her because she was just so horrendous to live with. She definitely made my life hell for a while, but thankfully I haven't seen her since the day she moved out for good (leaving her bedroom such a horrendous mess that we lost some of our deposit to have it cleaned professionally...) and have no intention of ever going back to resolve any of the issues between us. 

Actually, no, that's a lie. I did see her, the other day in a pub in Sheffield. She saw me at the exact same time...and then we both pretended we hadn't noticed a thing and carried on with our lives. And that is EXACTLY how I like it.

So long Tracey, I don't miss you.

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truth-Part 7

7. Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living

There are lots of people I could have mentioned for this because there are lots of people who have, one way or another, done something amazing for me that I really needed at the time. Some of them have been there for the big things, some for the small things but they've all been there for me and I'm very grateful for all of them. But there is one person who I feel I should mention above all others and that's my best friend Rara.

Rara has been my best friend for all of my life, and I realise I'm incredibly lucky because not everyone has someone awesome in their life that long. She's known me every day of my life (she's 3 months older than me so not every day of hers!) and I've known her every day of it-our mums are best friends too. As I tried to explain it to someone the other day-it's like when you have a brother or sister. You can never go back to a point where you don't have a sibling, and they'll always be someone you're inexorably linked to-I'm like that with Rara. She's my constant-no matter where I live she'll be my bestie and provide me with endless endless giggles. Every time we get together we laugh ourselves silly for one reason or another, and we have so many in-jokes between us that it's almost like we're talking in code. We went for a photoshoot together in December (thank you Wowcher!) and the photographer even commented how we were a proper double act. We got him laughing pretty hard too!

She's my perfect bed partner and doesn't wake up even if I get out of bed (and clamber over her in the process), we go on holiday together and bicker like an old married couple and we always text each other when one of us does a stupid thing that'll make the other one laugh. We have a million memories between us (most of which she can't remember at all =p) and they all make us grin like loons. When I told her I couldn't ever find her on Facebook because I always searched for 'Rara' she added it into her name to make life easier for me. We go on adventures and day trips and have sleepovers and giggle til our sides hurt. She's the other piece of my jigsaw and I love her to pieces.

She's made my life worth living just because I can't imagine what it would have been like (BORING) without her in it.

I loft thee, Razziepants!

-JB-

This bit's just for you, hope it makes you gibbon:

-Ungh Ungh-Fleckle Fleckle Fleckle-Can I put my finger in your moth?-Every day on a regular basis-I wear goggles when you are not there-sneezing and farting-"I'll put in on Macro...Where's it GONE?-MUSHROOM-Bit nits-Baps and cream, baps, baps and cream-Mummy B's turning into a turkey!-You know the quality street wrappers? I put them on my face!-Clubfoot and Strokeface-Cabbages? Cabbafges? Cabbamfges?-That had lumps in but I swallowed it anyway-Colosseum?-I can see your badger-Whisking and sieving-I left boob behind the cat-

We are such wrdidpoos =D

Also this:

30 Posts Of Truth-Part 6

-I'm still performing in Brighton so this post has been pre-scheduled-

6. Something You Hope Never To Do

Honestly, I meant it when I said it, I never want to have kids. People never seem to tire of pointing out to me that I'm ONLY 22, that one day my hormones will kick in and I'll feel all broody and that this is pretty much an inevitable part of being a woman, and I'm pretty sick of hearing it all to be honest.
So what if I am only in my twenties-I still know my own heart, my own mind, my own body-and none of these things are telling me that I want to procreate-in fact they're saying the opposite. A large part of me doesn't really understand the desire so many people have to have children, and I'm not sure I ever will. OK, so perhaps one day I will come over all hormonal and start cooing over babies whenever I see one until I feel like my ovaries are about to explode with longing. Maybe. Maybe I'll change my mind someday and decide what will really complete me is a tiny person entirely dependent on me for its survival,  that will leak all manner of disgusting bodily fluids everywhere and ruin all my precious things. Maybe. Maybe, though, I won't. Maybe I'll never feel that inexplicable urge to breed that so many people seem to share. Or perhaps I will feel it but will ignore it anyway in pursuit of a life that is entirely mine. Who can say? Perhaps I'll actually end up having 13 children and living happily ever after under piles of toys and dirty washing and whatever other strange and mystical things kids seem to cultivate. Right now, I can't think of anything worse.

I also hope to never end up in a committed relationship with someone who is desperate to be a father-someone who will never be happy to be with just me but will always feel like something is missing. I doubt it'll ever happen, but if I end up with someone who has always pictured having children then there's no way it could work forever-at some point I'd have to make them choose between having me and having something that they'd always dreamed of-and I'm not sure it's a battle I would win easily. I don't want to be that person, I don't want to give someone that ultimatum, don't want to make someone choose between the love they have and the children they might have someday. I also wouldn't want to lose, to end up broken hearted because I wouldn't give them the thing that they'd always wanted, because no matter how much I loved them, I couldn't have kids just to keep them mine. It would be wrong. I just really hope it's a conversation I never have to have.

So there we go-something I never want to have to do in my life-create another person. I'd also really like people to stop expecting me to want to as well, but that might be a wish too far ;)

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truth-Part 5

5. Something You Hope To Do In Your Life.

I don't really have much of a 'bucket list'-I don't have mental lists of things I want to do before I'm x years old or before I die, or places I want to travel to or anything like that. In fact I would go so far as to say the things I want to achieve are fairly boring and un-original, what most people would hope for in their lives, but they're dreams none the less.

-In the short term I want to get a job (at the moment, anything) that will pay me enough to move out of my parents house and hopefully back to Sheffield, where my heart is.

-I want to fall in love again, because I miss having a someone.

-I want to end up in a career that makes me happy every time I get up to go to it, that fulfils me and that I love. (I just need to work out what this might be first)

-I want to own my very own house, that I can decorate and make completely mine. I don't necessarily want to share this with another person, or at least I never imagine it that way. I am a bit terrified at learning to live with someone else again, so for now I just want somewhere that's mine and maybe the rest will come later.

-I do want to get married, but NOT YET. The very thought strikes fear into my heart, really. I'm not ready to commit to something for life yet (apart from my tattoo, and even that I thought about for 4 years before getting!) and I wouldn't want to get married for the sake of being married, I want to be married because it's right. Almost certainly in white Doc Martens =p

-I never want to stop going on stage, because it's the biggest feeling ever, and it's totally addictive. I don't (really) drink, I don't smoke and I don't take drugs but I have a massive craving for that spotlight. Call me a diva if you like, it's probably true, but being in shows as often as I can is really important for me, it makes me happy, it makes me fly. I never want to stop feeling that feeling.

-I would like to accomplish something-but I don't know what yet. I've always wanted to have a book published and still do, although I recognise the difficulties with this dream now. But I want someone, even if it's just one person, to know my name because I've done something that they found inspiring.


So that's my life plans, what about you?

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truth-Part 4

4. Something You Have To Forgive Someone Else For

I've been putting off writing this post for as long as I possibly can because it makes me feel very 'meh' and isn't very fun to think about. But the other day I was talking about my situation and someone's response was "Bitter much?!" and although they were joking, I took it to heart. I have no intention of being bitter about this forever and would rather just leave it behind me and get the hell on with my life, but I guess I have to stop minding so much first. I'm sure a lot of my good friends already know what I'm going to be writing about today.

I need to forgive my ex-boyfriend and my ex-best friend, not for getting together (as I always knew this was a fairly inevitable thing from the moment he broke up with me) but for everything else that they've done that has hurt me a lot, whether they meant it to or not.

I intend to make this post the last time I talk about it, after all, it's been nearly a year and I really should just get over this the same way I got over him. It's not like I've not got wonderful friends to replace them with or anything, so I'm just going to use this post to put it behind me once and for all.

I need to forgive him for basically using me as a...let's call it a way to get his rocks off for a few months with no regard for my feelings or how this was basically dangling a carrot of hope in front of my poor muddled brain. Every time I got one of those texts asking for one of those pictures I felt my heart leap a bit, because I thought it meant that he still liked me a little. I realise this was somewhat naïve and foolish of me now but then I was just completely lost in my heartbreak. 

I need to forgive her for those Facebook statuses that I felt were deliberately targeted at me: "I'm so happy" "I can't believe how lucky I am" "It's so lonely watching Love Actually without your man to snuggle up to!"
I'm sure she wasn't really deliberately trying to constantly point out to me how she'd "won" and I'd "lost" in the battleground of love, she wasn't trying to constantly stamp on my bruised feelings or just make me angry that she could ever be so inconsiderate of how I felt but that's what it made me think. She was probably just overwhelmed with happiness in that same way that everyone is when they've just fallen in love, and therefore blinded to the fact that her words might not read as well to everyone on her Facebook list, that they might actually cause hurt. Still, at the time I hated her for it.

I need to forgive them both for not returning my possessions to me. Sounds petty I know, but let me explain why this made me so cross. In early September last year I sent my ex a parcel with all the remaining things of his I could find around my house/room, and spent the last dregs of my money posting it to him. I also included a short letter saying that if he ever wanted to contact me again (although I recognised it was unlikely) then I wouldn't be opposed to it. I asked him if he could return to me two things: a book and a photograph of me that was taken on a photoshoot and was therefore quite expensive. I didn't expect him to have to meet me to do this, or even spend money on posting them-his girlfriend has to drive past my street every time she comes home, so I figured she could stop for 30 seconds and shove them through my letter box, and then be rid of me forever. Apparently not. When my things didn't turn up I got very angry and called them both a lot of unpleasant names in angry messages to my friends. It just felt like they were being somewhat discourteous to me, especially when I'd done (what I thought was) the adult thing and returned his possessions, and when I'd specifically asked for these things. Maybe it was just putting them out too much, I don't know.

Finally, and probably most importantly, I need to forgive them for cutting me out of their lives without a second glance. At the time, this hurt way more than me finding out they were together-I'd just graduated and was still finding my feet being back home. I didn't feel like I had many friends in Nottingham, and my entire support group was still in Sheffield and then two of the people who had been closest to me in my life disappeared from it. Not only that, but other friends went "with them" and also no longer talk to me, and I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I did then. The realisation that you matter so little to people who meant so much to you is a very hurtful one. I guess I can understand why they did it-you don't want your boyfriend's/your ex hanging around with you and your new girlfriend-but that didn't stop it from making me thoroughly miserable for some time. 

But now I'm done. I'm drawing the line, I'm moving on for good. I'm going to try to forgive them it all so I can leave them behind and not be bitter/angry/sad about it any more. I've got fabulous friends in two wonderful cities now, and I'm really thankful to have each and every one of them in my life, and I don't need the memory of them any more. I don't need to be mad at them any more-they're living their lives and I'm living mine, they no longer intersect and I can finally understand that that's great. Sure, I won't forget them any time soon, but that doesn't mean I need to give them the time of day in my life any longer.

Good riddance.

-Jenni-

To read the other Truths posts in this series, click here.

30 Posts of Truth-Part 3

3. Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Most of my exam results from GCSE level upwards. There's always been something I didn't work hard enough for and that's left me with fewer opportunities than I'd like at the next stage, and I've always been quite hard on myself for that. I mean, if I think about it realistically I've done pretty well-I've got 10 GCSEs, 4 A-Levels and (against the odds) a degree with honours, but I still kick myself not working as well as I easily could have. I think it stems from the fact I've never liked not being good at something-the reason I can't drive yet is because I hate having to learn because it doesn't come naturally to me. I was reading a blog the other day and suddenly felt like I had had my brain invaded-hopefully Unsweetened Tea won't mind me quoting from her:

"I never had to try very hard in school and got really excellent grades, and all that I took away from that was that I don’t like failing. So, when I try something new now and am not immediately qualified to do whatever thing professionally, I pretty much lose interest. That’s why I have eight bajillion hobbies that I half-ass."

(From this post)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed to tell people that I got a 2.2, I understand that this isn't an awful mark and I recognise that getting the highest grades isn't the only thing to aim for in life, certainly not at the expense of your health or sanity, but whenever I tell someone there's a little voice in my head that goes "but I could have got a 2.1 if..."

I know that I could have done better if I'd made myself work harder, but then again everyone can do better if they work harder, can't they? I think what I need to remind myself  that no matter how hard I would have worked previously, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I got dumped at the end of the Easter holidays in my 3rd year of uni, and that made everything go to pot. No matter how hard I had worked up to that point, I still would have missed lectures because I couldn't face leaving the house, not been able to revise properly because I was an emotional wreck and completed my most important piece of coursework for my entire degree in only 3 days having avoiding meeting my tutor because I didn't want to tell him I was broken and couldn't do anything all cos of a stupid boy. And maybe all that might have made all the difference between a 2.1 and a 2.2 anyway.

So yeah, I am going to try and cut myself some slack, try and forgive myself for not working as hard as maybe I should have done. I've got a good degree from a good university, and I have my health and happiness back, so that can be no bad thing at all.

-Jenni-

Find all the completed 'Truths' posts here.

30 Posts of Truth-Part 2

Another week in which I haven't blogged much, because I didn't really have any inspiration for something to write unfortunately. I have a couple of ideas knocking around my big ol' brain now, so I'm hoping to get those up in the next week and get back into this whole blogging thing again, but for now here's another 30 Truths post:

2. Something You Love About Yourself

As I said in Part 1 there's quite a lot that I do like about myself, although I guess I never really think about the specifics of this often. Generally I like me. It feels a bit odd to break that down further but here goes:

-I like my appearance. I'm at the stage in my life where I'm almost perfectly happy with what I see in the mirror each time. Regardless of how I got to this point, I'm glad that I no longer need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful for me to realise it for myself, wobbly bits and stretch marks and all.

-I like my confidence. I'll talk to most anyone, as long as I'm not feeling grumpy at the world. I can't stand awkward situations when you've just met someone, sometimes all it takes is a 'Hi, I'm Jenni' to break the ice and stop things being so stilted. Of course sometimes it does nothing to help, but you can't win them all.

-I like my independence. I'm someone who's grown up with no brothers or sisters so I'm very used to my own company and I like it that way. I'm happy to travel around on my own as long as I've got a good book and I've never really missed my family when I've been away from home. I'm glad that I'm not someone who gets homesick, or constantly needs to be around people to be happy. Of course, it's wonderful to spend time with the people that I care about, but I'm equally as happy on my own.

-I like the person that I am becoming as I grow up. I'm someone who knows her own mind and holds her own opinions. I'm constantly learning things from my friends,  from the world around me and working them into my life. I'm growing up (mostly) and I like the Jenni that I am turning into. I'm doing things for me, just because I want to, and forging my own path. I sometimes feel like the only thing I'm missing is a direction to my life, a purpose, a dream. Once I have that (and of course a job to pay for it!) I'll be set. I'm looking forward to it.

-Jenni-

See the other posts in this series here.

30 Posts of Truth-Part 1

Hello all! I've not posted anything in over week because I've been fighting off a stinker of a head cold that kept me in bed for 2 days and has left me feeling lousy all week. I also didn't do the Five Minute Friday this week because the topic was 'Home' and I've already written about that before. I've still not shaken the horrible cold off at the moment, my nose has almost dropped off with all the blowing, my throat HURTS a lot and really annoyingly I can't hear a thing-it's like I'm listening to the world with earplugs in all the time because I can't hear people talking to me unless they're facing me, and my mum keeps telling me I've got the tele too loud but I can't tell. Basically it's all a bit pants around here, but instead of feeling sorry for myself any longer I thought I'd dose up on cold and flu remedies and anti-inflammatories and try and fish around in my foggy, snot-clogged brain and see if I could come up with an idea for a blog post.

I couldn't, so I'm dusting off the 30 Posts series and getting down to actually starting it.

1. Something You Hate About Yourself

I find it strange how this is starting with something negative over something positive but there you go. There's not a lot I hate about myself, generally I'm quite a positive person and I like a lot of things about me. There are a few things I dislike more than some though, and I'd probably change if I could:

-How emotionally needy I am when I am in a relationship.
(I can't really think of any way of phrasing that better) This is a throwback to my first proper boyfriend who should have broken up with me about 18 months before I broke up with him. We stayed together more because we didn't know how to not be together than because it was good for us. In the last year and a half we were together he never told me he loved me unless I said it first, never paid me a compliment that wasn't "I think that about you, too" or something. It made me really insecure and really kind of needy and I noticed that this trend continued into my 2nd relationship-I'd get worked up and worried about the silliest of things because I was scared that if he didn't say he loved me then that meant he didn't. And I don't want to be that girl, I don't want to be the person who frets over all the little things and never feels truly emotionally secure in a relationship because I think it's frankly ridiculous. I don't know how I can change it though, it seems to be a thing I just do. But ugh it's annoying.

-How much of a dick I can be in large groups.
I have noticed recently that when I'm with big groups of my friends then my personality changes and I become a bit of a nob really. I'm already quite a loud person but I get extra loud, overly sexual (not in a sexy kinda way...I just talk about inappropriate things and jiggle my boobs a lot. I met a friend's boyfriend a couple of times in this situation and he thinks that's just how I am all the time and I desperately want to tell him I'm not, not really!) extra competitive and basically just a bit of a twat. There have been occasions where I've got home from meetups with all of my USLES mates and gone to myself "I have no idea why they're friends with me." I don't really like myself when I've got my dick personality out, and I've started to be able to spot it when it rears its head. Whether I can stop it is another thing entirely.

Well, this was jolly.
Hopefully I'll be back with inspiration and normal(er) posts again soon.

-Jenni-

30 Posts of Truths

Source

I came across this list of blog post ideas on http://parlezvousmoo.com and it really struck a chord with me-a while ago I said I wanted to make my blog posts more honest, more personal and this seems like an interesting way to do it. Sometimes I can't think of anything to write about but still want to write something, and this is a way of feeling inspired. Plus a little introspection now and then can't hurt, can it?

The List

Part 1 - Something you hate about yourself.
Part 2 - Something you love about yourself.
Part 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Part 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Part 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Part 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Part 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Part 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Part 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go of, but just drifted.
Part 10 - Someone you need to let go of, or wish you didn't know.
Part 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Part 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Part 13 - A band or artist that has got you through some tough days (write a letter).
Part 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter).
Part 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without (because you've tried it).
Part 16 - Something or someone you definitely could live without.
Part 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Part 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Part 19 - What do you think of religion or politics?
Part 20 - Your views on drugs/alcohol.
Part 21 - Something that changed your life and at the time you didn't know how.
Part 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Part 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Part 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Part 25 - An honest letter to your younger self.
Part 26 - What's the best thing in your life right now?
Part 27 - What's the worst thing in your life right now?
Part 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant. What would you do?
Part 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Part 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I almost certainly won't do them all and I might not do them all in the right order but I will try and do most of them because sometimes I need to think about these things more than I do. The eagle-eyed amongst you will noticed I've already changed a couple from the original list because the originals didn't really fit well with me. You, my dear readers, are not obliged to read them, but if you do you'll probably find out things about me you didn't already know. That's what I hope to discover, at least- a new side to myself.

-Jenni-