There's Been A Change In Me, A Kind Of Moving On

It's more sad if it's blue, right?
[Source-Open Clip Art Library]

A year ago on Monday was the worst day of my life thus far. Sounds melodramatic but it's true really-my world as I had known it for 3 years and approx. 27 days ended and I experienced all kinds of hurting that I'd never known before. I've always had a strange affinity for 'dates that things happened on' and I can remember the days significant life events occurred on for a very long time-the "anniversary" (for want of a better word) of the day my last relationship ended being no exception. I'd actually expected to feel a bit down in the dumps with the memory of that horrendous day hanging over me, but actually everything was fine-good in fact. I can't say I wouldn't have been miserable if I were on my own doing nothing, but I wasn't, so it wasn't an issue at all. In fact, I didn't really think too much about it, except when I was mentioning it to my friends, and it didn't make me sad one little bit-which is excellent. One of my mates commented that it feels like its gone by really quickly but for me the 22nd April 2012 seems an age ago-I was someone else then and I can tell there have been changes in me between then and now. And mostly, it's been a pretty good year-I've learned a lot in it and I'm pretty certain I'm over that relationship now. It definitely doesn't have a hold over me any more and that's brilliant.

It's weird to think that the last time I spent a full year totally single was in 2004, and now it's 2013. I'm nowhere near the same person I was then, and boy am I glad I'm not still the angsty teenager desperate to have a boyfriend any more, because really-who wants to deal with that?!? Now I know myself better and love myself more, I know what's in my heart and how my head works and I reckon I'm a better person in a myriad of ways. I'm repeatedly astonishing myself by the things that I'm learning about myself that teenage me would never have believed-that I don't need to be in a relationship to be perfectly happy and content, that I don't need someone else to complete me, that life is perfectly fulfilling on its own without someone to share everything with. That I am no less amazing just because there isn't someone who believes that besides myself, and that I don't need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful to make me feel it.

I feel it's been a necessary year too. I don't think I could have even contemplated starting a new relationship for much of it because I was too hung up on the effects of the old one-that's been a much more recent development. This past year has been enough to allow me to grieve, to heal, to grow and to move on and close the book on that chapter of my life. It happened, it was good, now it's done with and a new one is unfolding in front of me full of unknowns and intrigue. Now I feel I'm ready to be in a relationship again, should the chance cross my path, although there's nothing on the immediate horizon and I'm OK with that too. Sure, there are definitely parts of my brain and heart that keep telling me how much I need a boyfriend NOW, but they're much less insistent than they were when I was a desperate-to-be-loved teenager, and I can happily ignore them most of the time.

So there we go. I survived my first year ever (basically) of singledom, of not having a boyfriend, not being in love, not having sex or someone to share all the minutiae of my life with, no snuggles, no cuddles, no kisses. I'm proud of myself. It might not seem like a big achievement but for me it is-I'm the girl who stayed with my first boyfriend 18 months longer than I really should have done because I was terrified of being single and didn't know how to be just myself again as opposed to half of a couple. I'm a girl who really likes being in love and all the crap that comes with it. I'm the girl who falls for people stupidly quickly and incredibly obviously so all the world will know.
But as I said, I've grown up and learnt a lot in these 365 days. Yes, it really hurt sometimes, and it took me to some dark and lonely places, but I'm glad it happened. Here's a toast to the 22nd April 2012, and the fact it doesn't have a hold over me any more.

It's just another date.

-Jenni-


Title of post taken from 'Change in Me-Beauty and the Beast'