Walking On The Edge

[Source-Open Clip Art Library]

I am not, by nature, an especially spontaneous person. I wish I was-I love the idea of just packing up and taking a random holiday to somewhere you've just picked off a map with no forethought, but that's not the way I work. I like to know ahead of time what's going on in my life and fill my diary up with plans. There's just some part of me that doesn't like the idea of not being completely aware and in control of an aspect of my life like that-which is weird because I wouldn't describe myself as a control freak, really. It's like I've always liked the idea of someone arranging a surprise party for me but I know realistically it wouldn't be possible because I'm too much of a planner-there's no way that if there was an important event in my life I wouldn't have already arranged something for it. Much as I love the idea, I don't think it could ever work, sadly.
It's not like I won't happily take part in spontaneous activities if I'm invited to them because that can be exciting and fun but I won't ever be the organiser of one because I like to know what I am doing too far in advance/in too much detail. It's not ever been a problem for me though, most of my friends are contented to let me overplan excessively ahead of time (I planned my July birthday celebrations in May this year, although I knew what I wanted to do from about February, for instance), and just generally rib me a little for being a bit daft because at the same time I'm rather un-organised in every other aspect of my life.

I've only had reason to think about it recently though, now that I'm dating someone who is basically the exact opposite of me-someone who almost lives his life on a whim. This is a person who regularly goes to stay in London for days at a time with nothing specific to do at all, someone who is contented purely with the idea of doing 'something' rather than turning that 'something' into anything specific. It amused me that even at my most "spontaneous" (deciding to go up to the Edinburgh Fringe only 4 days before actually going), I still managed to draft an hour by hour plan of what I was going to see, plus grid references so I could easily find them on my map whereas he woke up in the morning and pretty much went to see whatever shows his feet took him to. I'm not criticising this at all-I'm a little in awe of people who live their lives this way because I don't think my brain would function like that ever.
Trying to put the two styles of thinking together though is interesting sometimes because I can't help but feel a little bossy, a little like I'm making every decision and he's just going along with it for an easy life. Or else that I am being annoying by trying to plan everything so that I can have a fix in my head of our plans whereas he would rather just sit back and let things happen as and when they will. I dunno.

I'd love to be more like him though-to pack lightly when I'm only going away for a couple of days, to try not to foresee/counteract every possibility, to be content to go with the flow a little more often, without needing to pre-schedule my life in advance. To live dangerously sometimes, to do things without thinking, to take what happens to me without worrying about the what-ifs and maybes-but it seems so alien to my brain. Maybe it all comes from him being a laid back, chilled out Australian type, and me being a more neurotic, uptight British type. I'm hoping I can learn though, even if it's only just for the little things-because I'm still in love with the idea of spontaneity, of acting on whims and impulses, of going where your feet take you. And, ironically, it's something I'll have to work at because I will have to quell my natural instincts to plan everything out beforehand, resist the urge to ask 'what do you want to do next week?' and put my diary away for a bit. But it can't be a bad thing to try, really, can it, because everyone needs to let go every once in a while, right?
I'm going to try to try new things unhesitatingly, I'm going to try and say yes instead of no every so often, I'm going to try to plan a little less and live in the moment a little more.
I'm going to try walking on the edge for a bit, without wondering if I'll fall.

-Jenni-