30 Posts of Truth-Part 4

4. Something You Have To Forgive Someone Else For

I've been putting off writing this post for as long as I possibly can because it makes me feel very 'meh' and isn't very fun to think about. But the other day I was talking about my situation and someone's response was "Bitter much?!" and although they were joking, I took it to heart. I have no intention of being bitter about this forever and would rather just leave it behind me and get the hell on with my life, but I guess I have to stop minding so much first. I'm sure a lot of my good friends already know what I'm going to be writing about today.

I need to forgive my ex-boyfriend and my ex-best friend, not for getting together (as I always knew this was a fairly inevitable thing from the moment he broke up with me) but for everything else that they've done that has hurt me a lot, whether they meant it to or not.

I intend to make this post the last time I talk about it, after all, it's been nearly a year and I really should just get over this the same way I got over him. It's not like I've not got wonderful friends to replace them with or anything, so I'm just going to use this post to put it behind me once and for all.

I need to forgive him for basically using me as a...let's call it a way to get his rocks off for a few months with no regard for my feelings or how this was basically dangling a carrot of hope in front of my poor muddled brain. Every time I got one of those texts asking for one of those pictures I felt my heart leap a bit, because I thought it meant that he still liked me a little. I realise this was somewhat naïve and foolish of me now but then I was just completely lost in my heartbreak. 

I need to forgive her for those Facebook statuses that I felt were deliberately targeted at me: "I'm so happy" "I can't believe how lucky I am" "It's so lonely watching Love Actually without your man to snuggle up to!"
I'm sure she wasn't really deliberately trying to constantly point out to me how she'd "won" and I'd "lost" in the battleground of love, she wasn't trying to constantly stamp on my bruised feelings or just make me angry that she could ever be so inconsiderate of how I felt but that's what it made me think. She was probably just overwhelmed with happiness in that same way that everyone is when they've just fallen in love, and therefore blinded to the fact that her words might not read as well to everyone on her Facebook list, that they might actually cause hurt. Still, at the time I hated her for it.

I need to forgive them both for not returning my possessions to me. Sounds petty I know, but let me explain why this made me so cross. In early September last year I sent my ex a parcel with all the remaining things of his I could find around my house/room, and spent the last dregs of my money posting it to him. I also included a short letter saying that if he ever wanted to contact me again (although I recognised it was unlikely) then I wouldn't be opposed to it. I asked him if he could return to me two things: a book and a photograph of me that was taken on a photoshoot and was therefore quite expensive. I didn't expect him to have to meet me to do this, or even spend money on posting them-his girlfriend has to drive past my street every time she comes home, so I figured she could stop for 30 seconds and shove them through my letter box, and then be rid of me forever. Apparently not. When my things didn't turn up I got very angry and called them both a lot of unpleasant names in angry messages to my friends. It just felt like they were being somewhat discourteous to me, especially when I'd done (what I thought was) the adult thing and returned his possessions, and when I'd specifically asked for these things. Maybe it was just putting them out too much, I don't know.

Finally, and probably most importantly, I need to forgive them for cutting me out of their lives without a second glance. At the time, this hurt way more than me finding out they were together-I'd just graduated and was still finding my feet being back home. I didn't feel like I had many friends in Nottingham, and my entire support group was still in Sheffield and then two of the people who had been closest to me in my life disappeared from it. Not only that, but other friends went "with them" and also no longer talk to me, and I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I did then. The realisation that you matter so little to people who meant so much to you is a very hurtful one. I guess I can understand why they did it-you don't want your boyfriend's/your ex hanging around with you and your new girlfriend-but that didn't stop it from making me thoroughly miserable for some time. 

But now I'm done. I'm drawing the line, I'm moving on for good. I'm going to try to forgive them it all so I can leave them behind and not be bitter/angry/sad about it any more. I've got fabulous friends in two wonderful cities now, and I'm really thankful to have each and every one of them in my life, and I don't need the memory of them any more. I don't need to be mad at them any more-they're living their lives and I'm living mine, they no longer intersect and I can finally understand that that's great. Sure, I won't forget them any time soon, but that doesn't mean I need to give them the time of day in my life any longer.

Good riddance.

-Jenni-

To read the other Truths posts in this series, click here.