Fringe Fever

Yesterday I arrived home from a mad but wonderful weekend away performing at the Brighton Fringe festival, tired out and achy but content. The weekend has sped by so quickly and I have almost no idea what day it is any more-it feels like I've had four Saturdays in a row. There's this weird atmosphere I've noticed around Fringe Performances-like you're living in a kind of bubble universe separated out from the real one. Everything else temporarily stops existing and your world shrinks down to your cast and crew, the show and the in between time (often spent flyering, eating or getting drunk!). Emotions are exaggerated and heightened and feelings get stretched and flipped about on their head until you're not quite sure what's real or what's not. The same faces become your life-you spend 24 hours a day with them-eating, sleeping, performing and of course sharing a bathroom. You learn each other's habits almost unconsciously-who snores, who isn't a morning person, who spends ages in the shower, who sleeps almost naked, who is a fussy eater, who will hog the mirror in the bathroom. Nerves are pulled taut and strummed like a harp, thoughts don't make sense and you start to feel differently about people just because you've spent all that time together.

And then, like someone taking a needle to a bubble, it all stops.

I always feel a bit melancholy on the last evening of a Fringe show, because I know that that is it, it will never feel like that again. Even if you gathered the same people together it wouldn't be the same without that fevered intensity, without the only thing that matters being The Show, without the stresses and awesomeness of living and performing together as one highly functioning machine made of many parts working side by side. It's always such a come down to reality again, to exams, to deadlines, job applications and work. And while it's always blissful to sleep in your own bed again, you still wake up half expecting to be surrounded by people in various states of undress and sleep deprivation. I always find I need a bit of a readjustment period, to get used to how normal life feels again, rather than the slightly off-kilter world of the Fringe. I find I need to realign my thoughts too, to get used to thinking in straight lines again rather than the topsy turvy helter skelter of trying to have three different conversations at once whilst drowning out several more. It's almost too quiet to be on your own, yet the solitude is lovely after being around people constantly for four days.

The come down also gives you time to think about the madness of it all more objectively, now that the Fringe Fever no longer holds you tight in its grip-time to work out which emotions and feelings were real and which would have never happened in a 'normal' situation. You can forgive people some of the things they did, decide which you want to hold on to and which you just want to forget. You can feel shame at some of things that you did or said, pride or happiness at others. You sink slowly back into your normal life and it's almost like it never happened, like the madness never wrapped you and drove your every move, your every thought.

It's always there though, at the back of your mind, waiting to be pulled on like a comfy sweatshirt the opening night of the next show that takes over your life. And I, for one, welcome it back.

The cast and crew of Titus at the Brighton Fringe, May 2013

Thanks for an awesome weekend folks. Back to reality, for now...

-Jenni-

This blog now has a Facebook page! Go here to like it to never miss an update. 

30 Posts Of Truth-Part 6

-I'm still performing in Brighton so this post has been pre-scheduled-

6. Something You Hope Never To Do

Honestly, I meant it when I said it, I never want to have kids. People never seem to tire of pointing out to me that I'm ONLY 22, that one day my hormones will kick in and I'll feel all broody and that this is pretty much an inevitable part of being a woman, and I'm pretty sick of hearing it all to be honest.
So what if I am only in my twenties-I still know my own heart, my own mind, my own body-and none of these things are telling me that I want to procreate-in fact they're saying the opposite. A large part of me doesn't really understand the desire so many people have to have children, and I'm not sure I ever will. OK, so perhaps one day I will come over all hormonal and start cooing over babies whenever I see one until I feel like my ovaries are about to explode with longing. Maybe. Maybe I'll change my mind someday and decide what will really complete me is a tiny person entirely dependent on me for its survival,  that will leak all manner of disgusting bodily fluids everywhere and ruin all my precious things. Maybe. Maybe, though, I won't. Maybe I'll never feel that inexplicable urge to breed that so many people seem to share. Or perhaps I will feel it but will ignore it anyway in pursuit of a life that is entirely mine. Who can say? Perhaps I'll actually end up having 13 children and living happily ever after under piles of toys and dirty washing and whatever other strange and mystical things kids seem to cultivate. Right now, I can't think of anything worse.

I also hope to never end up in a committed relationship with someone who is desperate to be a father-someone who will never be happy to be with just me but will always feel like something is missing. I doubt it'll ever happen, but if I end up with someone who has always pictured having children then there's no way it could work forever-at some point I'd have to make them choose between having me and having something that they'd always dreamed of-and I'm not sure it's a battle I would win easily. I don't want to be that person, I don't want to give someone that ultimatum, don't want to make someone choose between the love they have and the children they might have someday. I also wouldn't want to lose, to end up broken hearted because I wouldn't give them the thing that they'd always wanted, because no matter how much I loved them, I couldn't have kids just to keep them mine. It would be wrong. I just really hope it's a conversation I never have to have.

So there we go-something I never want to have to do in my life-create another person. I'd also really like people to stop expecting me to want to as well, but that might be a wish too far ;)

-Jenni-

Friday Letters The Second

Hello again!
Apologies for not blogging again this week, but it's slipped through my fingers like a fish in a stream and all of a sudden it's Friday again, when it feels like Monday was only yesterday. I've not been doing anything particularly huge, but all the little things seem to have added up and stolen my time from me. And now, today, I am off to Brighton to take part in a show that's running over the opening weekend of their fringe festival.  Some friends of mine have started a small theatre company, and I am in the cast of their very first show-Titus-and thoroughly excited about it. I'm sure you'll get a full blog on the matter next week!
Here's some Friday letters:

Dear People of Brighton: Please look after us, come and see our show and laugh at us. There's nothing worse than performing to an empty theatre, and it is a very good show.

Dear Weather: Stay as lovely as you were yesterday, pretty please. It was glorious.

Dear Body: Please, please let me get to sleep OK in the hostel room with my fellow cast members. It's going to be a pretty rotten weekend for us if you insist on keeping us awake with stupid anxiety, as usual.

Dear Headphones: We've got a lot of train journeys ahead. Please, please last this weekend before you fail completely.

Dear Bag: Please fit all my stuff in OK without bursting at the seams! You've never failed me yet *crosses fingers*

Dear London: I've got three glorious hours to explore you today, be kind to me and please don't let anyone steal my camera again. Camden Market/Covent Garden, I'm coming for you.

Dear Fellow Cast Members: Break a leg and let's have a ball ey? Just please no more crustacean references ;)

Dear Brain: I get it, you think we need a boyfriend again, and that we need one now. Fine. But please can you stop sending me sexy dreams with my friends in, it's getting kind of awkward now.

Dear Future Love of my Life: Can you arrange to meet me soon, if only to shut my stupid subconscious up? I'm looking forward to awkwardly falling for you.

Dear Me: Enjoy your stage time and your weekend. Just have fun.

-Jenni-

If you're in the area and fancy a giggle, please come and see Sheep Theatre's performance of 'Titus' at The Old Courtroom, Brighton. More details/tickets here.

30 Posts of Truth-Part 5

5. Something You Hope To Do In Your Life.

I don't really have much of a 'bucket list'-I don't have mental lists of things I want to do before I'm x years old or before I die, or places I want to travel to or anything like that. In fact I would go so far as to say the things I want to achieve are fairly boring and un-original, what most people would hope for in their lives, but they're dreams none the less.

-In the short term I want to get a job (at the moment, anything) that will pay me enough to move out of my parents house and hopefully back to Sheffield, where my heart is.

-I want to fall in love again, because I miss having a someone.

-I want to end up in a career that makes me happy every time I get up to go to it, that fulfils me and that I love. (I just need to work out what this might be first)

-I want to own my very own house, that I can decorate and make completely mine. I don't necessarily want to share this with another person, or at least I never imagine it that way. I am a bit terrified at learning to live with someone else again, so for now I just want somewhere that's mine and maybe the rest will come later.

-I do want to get married, but NOT YET. The very thought strikes fear into my heart, really. I'm not ready to commit to something for life yet (apart from my tattoo, and even that I thought about for 4 years before getting!) and I wouldn't want to get married for the sake of being married, I want to be married because it's right. Almost certainly in white Doc Martens =p

-I never want to stop going on stage, because it's the biggest feeling ever, and it's totally addictive. I don't (really) drink, I don't smoke and I don't take drugs but I have a massive craving for that spotlight. Call me a diva if you like, it's probably true, but being in shows as often as I can is really important for me, it makes me happy, it makes me fly. I never want to stop feeling that feeling.

-I would like to accomplish something-but I don't know what yet. I've always wanted to have a book published and still do, although I recognise the difficulties with this dream now. But I want someone, even if it's just one person, to know my name because I've done something that they found inspiring.


So that's my life plans, what about you?

-Jenni-

Five Minute Fridays: Friend

For a while after graduation I felt really lonely-I felt like I’d left all my friends behind in Sheffield and didn’t really have many people here in Nottingham. I’m glad to say that this has now changed, and that I have people in both cities (as well as scattered around the country) that I can call my friend and I feel really lucky for that. I’ve got people who I don’t see very often but when I do it’s like we’ve not been apart at all. I’ve got friends who let me kip on their floor when I need to, or who always offer me their spare room if I want it. I’ve got friends who make me laugh until my sides hurt like I’ve just done 20 sit ups and friends who are there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I’ve got friends who I miss, friends who I don’t realise how much I’ve missed until I see them again, friends who I really wish I saw more of. There’s this whole network of people stretched across the country (and in some cases across continents) that I know I could call on if I needed it-if I wanted someone to talk to at stupid AM when I can’t sleep or just wanted a hug, or if I wanted to spend a day pulling stupid faces at all the cameras at a theme park. I’ve got pen friends, and blogger friends too-people I’ve never met but who comment on my blogs, or tweets,  or write me | letters telling me about their lives and all the things they love. I’ve got so many people who care about me that I don’t know how I ever felt lonely-in this age of technology no-one is more than a text, email or Facebook poke away. And you know what? That’s BRILLIANT.

To all my friends. You’re wonderful. You give me a million reasons to smile, laugh, and wince when you’re telling cringey stories that come with actions.  I’m so bloody grateful for you all.

THANKS.

| denotes where my 5 minute alarm went off.

To find out more about what Five Minute Fridays are all about/read more/take part yourself then all the appropriate information can be found here: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/