All The Small Things...

Trust me, this'll make sense in a bit...maybe
(Source)

Something weird I've noticed with my new single status is how much I haven't forgotten about the person I used to be in a relationship with. Sure, I don't know what he's doing day to day or what's new in his life or anything that really matters any more, but I can still remember all the silly little things about him that I feel like I shouldn't any longer. It feels really weird, like you know everything about a person but you don't even know them any more, it's like you've been listening at key holes and snooping through their lives like a ninja with a penchant for archiving. I can still remember what he looks like naked, I can still remember every scar (and how he got some of them). I remember anecdotes he told me that have no impact on my life and didn't involve me in any way (for instance, when he was 2 he was on the front of a jigsaw puzzle in France. Why do I need this information???) and my favourite photograph of him shown at his 21st birthday party when we had been going out for about 3 weeks. I'm really conscious of every time I mention his name in case people think I'm talking about him too much and that I'm still in love with him and maybe I just shouldn't talk about him at all if they think that but there's so many things I remember that seem to be pertinent to a lot of conversations and aaargh. I still automatically chop my veg up extra large because then he'd be able to pick it out easier, then I realise what I've done and feel silly (and cut it up so small it's almost tasteless). I remember 4 and a bit years ago we were sat on a bench in Nottingham city centre and his electric toothbrush turned itself on in his bag-stupid things that no-one in their right mind would bother to remember because they were entirely uneventful. I have always had a really good memory for silly little facts and titbits of information, which has never been a problem before, but in this instance I would rather not have a exceptionally good recall for everything and would rather be forgetful and really annoying when it comes to remembering dates. I don't want this stuff! This stuff should belong solely to his new girlfriend and therefore shouldn't live in my head any more-I shouldn't remember his birthday and his mum's birthday and his brother's birthday and the names of all his pets. She can have the title of his favourite song, and his favourite film and the name of his bloody plastic anatomical skeleton which cost £37 on ebay and came from Germany. If some magical hobbity thing came along and offered me a big red button or a pill or something to take away the memory of all these stupid things that fill my head up with their crap then I reckon I would take it and be done with the whole thing.
Except. Except if the side effect of the magical spell or foul tasting potion or weird mind altering experiment involving electricity was that I would forget him entirely, forget everything we had, I don't think I would. Because I don't want to forget him completely, and I don't want to forget all the good things we had together. I can recognise that I don't want them any more, but that doesn't mean I can't still enjoy the memory of them, right? Being with him was truly one of the best experiences in my life this far, and I still really appreciate everything that I got out of that relationship, regardless of how it ended-it made me a better person than I was at the time it began and I do feel like I've grown up a lot through its 3 years. So I guess if I have to take the memories of his favourite animal and the way he organises his DVDs and the side he parts his hair on and his middle name in order to keep the memories of every time he made me smile and all the time we laughed together then I shall. For we had something good together, he and I, something that has left its imprint on my life and something that (overall) makes me smile to think about it, which I do frequently.

However if there are any magical hobbity things/Torchwood members with access to Retcon reading this, then I wouldn't object to you slipping a few my way, K?

-Jenni-