Don't Go Changing, Trying To Please Me

"I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful!"
"But you are beautiful!"
(Source)

I had originally had a different idea for a blog post floating around in my brain but then I read something this morning and was inspired. A good friend of mine writes a hidden, secret blog (more like a diary) and had written a post on living healthily and trying to lose bit of weight etc etc, like hundreds of other people in the new year I don’t doubt. The thing that made me really sad was when she listed her reasons for doing it, this sentence was amongst them: “...but men don't dig fat chicks. Men like smaller girls, and you aren’t small.” 

I understand there are hundreds of reasons for wanting to go on a bit of a health kick and try and lose weight/get fitter/become a bit more comfortable within your own skin, but the idea that we need to do it in order to help us be more attractive to the opposite sex really saddens me. I too want to get a bit fitter and should really start doing some exercise, if only so that I can run up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom without feeling like I’m about to die. But to do it to attract a man? No  thanks. If a bloke can’t be happy with me as I am, then I’m not interested. Even if he was Mr. Perfect, if I was totally butterflies-in-the-stomach-besotted with him, even if he was THE ONE, if he told me I had to slim down in order to get with him I’d tell him where to get stuffed and possibly forcibly stuff him there myself.

Thing is, I've been in relationships where I've tried to change myself to please the opposite party and it feels pretty crappy. To realise that someone you're in love with doesn't like you exactly as you are is a horrible thing, particularly when it's to do with how you look because that's one of the reasons they're attracted to you, surely- if they don't like the way you dress or the size you are does that mean they don't fancy you much any more? (That's how it feels at least.) It's horrible. I'm not the girliest dresser in the world and have a penchant for big snuggly hoodies, sloppy skate trainers and Doc Martens*, and I've dressed the same way for years really. So when the Ex used to pick up on these things (that hadn't changed since we started going out) and basically point out why he didn't really like them, I used to feel like he didn't like me, like he was trying to turn me into someone I wasn't.
And I let him. I bought fitted coats and dolly shoes and T-shirts that weren't baggy and tried to wear my girly outfits when I visited him over my sloppy, comfy ones. Fat lot of good it did me, we still broke up and now he is with someone who is basically my girlier twin looks/style wise, so I'm sure he's happy now. It gives me the freedom to wear my Docs every day and only wear my girly clothes when I want to, and I wonder to myself why I ever tried to change. I know the answer, of course. It's because when I fall in love with people I am constantly doubting the relationship and worrying that they'll leave me, so I'll always change myself if I think it'll make them happier. But I'm going to try not to.
A very wise friend of mine once told me "You should never be with someone who doesn't think you're brilliant, and tell you that often" and I have to say I think it's excellent advice. If the person that you're with is trying to change the way you look or the way you act around them then they're not really interested in you, but the person they can make you into. I recognise the need to adapt some of our personality traits in order to live with other people without constantly arguing for instance, but that's a two way street, and I think you should never change your looks or your style for someone else- and I'm going to try to stick to this rule in the future. Change yourself if you're unhappy, go on a diet, try out a new hair colour, wear different clothes, but only on your terms, not on someone else's. I'd rather be happy with myself and single than change myself to fit into a relationship, and for me, that's saying a lot.

So be fat and fabulous, wear what you want to when you want to and don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.

-Jenni-

*Let's face it, I'm having a love affair with my Docs, future boyfriends be damned!